


Tell Me All About the Ocean

by I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own



Series: Love On His Arms [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Luna keeps popping up, Nightmares, Recovery, So..., Vampire Children, discussion of suicide attempts, idk why but here she is, issues that inevitabley come with vampire children
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-11-09
Packaged: 2019-06-19 07:50:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15505746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own/pseuds/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own
Summary: Magnus and Alec have yet more secrets to share with each other, Luna has words of wisdom





	1. Never Seen the Ocean, Not Like This One

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so first off, my nephew has been in hospital, I myself have been sick, and I've been tired as hell A LOT, so yeah life is a piece of shit atm. Then on top of all that, I'm trying to write longer chapters, so will DEFINITELY be slower getting chapters out, sozzle.

_Weary traveler, calloused and sore,_  
_Time and gravity followed you here._  
_Rest, my brother, and tell me,_  
_All about the ocean._  
_~Oceans, Puscifer_

* * *

 

The island is beautiful, located somewhere in the South Pacific, it’s the kind of island the rich would put a resort on. The kind of island people would go to when they wanted to escape the world and all its problems and, Alec supposes, that’s what he and Magnus are doing now.

The island is mystical and while being here has done wonders for them both, it hasn’t magically cured Magnus’ depression or the nightmares Alec plans to never own up to. Still, it’s nice.

They’re not the only ones on the island, a fact Magnus had only explained to him after they’d come through the portal and Magnus had been attacked by a flurry of colours.

* * *

 

“Magnus!” _multiple voices shout as they step_ _out of the portal into a moonlit night, Magnus freezes and then suddenly he’s on the ground being pulled at by little hands._

_“Hello, children.” Magnus greets, smiling as he can finally sit up, one of the children crawling into his lap. Alec quickly counts the children, there are ten of them, all between the ages of 4 and 10, the one in Magnus’ lap looks the youngest._

_“Magnus!! You haven’t visited us in years and years and years and years!” the child in his lap chirps, looking up at him with wide eyes._

_“I’m sorry, little ones, I have been busy. But I’m sure you’ve been enjoying your time here?” he asks, looking each of them in the eyes, each child smiles and grins at him, nodding their heads._

_“It’s nice here, and Miss Luna says we can stay here forever and ever and ever!” one of the younger children exclaims, clapping his hands. Magnus smiles at him, before movement out of the corner of his eyes causes him to look up and his smile only grows wider as he looks at the woman approaching them, her long, platinum blonde hair blowing in the wind._

_“Alright, children, let’s let Magnus and his companion settle in, hmm? Rolf has your dinner ready for you!”_

_“Yay!!!” the children all scream, running off to the plot of buildings Alec can just make out within the trees._

_“Magnus.” The woman greets, smiling at him as she offers a hand to pull him up, Magnus takes her up on it and pulls her into a hug when he’s on his feet._

_“Hi, Luna, how have you been? I’m sorry I haven’t visited in a while, I’ve been busy.”_

_“I know, that’s okay, we’ve been fine here, Magnus. The children want for nothing, but they do like it when you visit.”_

_“Well, they’re going be overjoyed because Alec and I are moving in.” Magnus tells her, grinning, and holding his hand out to Alec, who steps forward and takes his hand, smiling at Luna. “Luna Lovegood, this is Alec Lightwood, my fiancé. Alec, this is my friend, Luna.”_

_“You always did like the risky ones.” Luna comments, looking intently at Alec, her head cocked to the side, Alec feels like she’s inspecting his very soul, and he’s not too far off. “He’s got a good aura, and his love for you is strong and pure. Perhaps you’ll succeed this time.” Luna tells Magnus, patting him on the cheek, she speaks something to Magnus in a language Alec doesn’t understand, before she turns and heads after the children. “Don’t be a stranger, Magnus.” She calls over her shoulder, Alec blinking after her._

_Magnus simply smiles and starts leading Alec in the opposite direction, snuggling comfortably into Alec’s side as they walk._

_“Where are we going?” Alec asks, as they stroll along the beach, Magnus hums._

_“The Sanctuary is on the other side of the island from my lodge.”_

_“What’s the sanctuary for?”_

_“You couldn’t tell?” Magnus asks, frowning at his lover. “Those children are vampires, Alexander. They will be children for the rest of their lives.”_

_“What?” Alec exclaims, stumbling to a stop._

_“The children are vampires. There are sanctuaries like this all around the world, and the children move from sanctuary to sanctuary every few hundred years when they get bored.” Magnus answers, shrugging his shoulders, a grim look on his face._

_“Raphael-?”_

_“Though many would argue, Raphael was old enough when he turned that he was mentally capable of controlling himself. When he’s not high on Shadowhunter blood, he’s capable of resisting his thirst. Children younger than about fourteen are not capable of that control, and they will never be capable.” Magnus says, a sad smile on his face. “It only took the Clave about five years after vampires were first created to figure that out, then they mandated the immediate termination of any vampire under the age of fourteen. Since then, we’ve done our best to save as many child vampires as we can.”_

_“That’s barbaric. They’re just children, why would the Clave-?”_

_“They are children who will never learn to control their impulses. Children who will attack mundanes without regret or thought. You tell me why the Clave would think their lives worthless.”_

_“Oh.”_

_“Indeed.” Magnus says, sighing. “Come on, let’s just settle in for the rest of the night.” Magnus mutters, pulling him along._

* * *

_“They have forgiven your transgressions, Magnus. You alone blame yourself.”_

Magnus can’t shake the words Luna spoke to him in Enochian on the beach that first night on the island. Luna has always known more than anyone could know, has always had the odd habit of seeing that which you wanted hidden, it’s an obvious side effect of being born the first, and from what they know, the last of her kind. The child of a fae and a demon, not quite a warlock, but not quite fae, either. Like her father’s people, Luna never lies, she may twist the truth to her own advantage, but she never lies, is incapable of it, so if she says he is forgiven, then he is forgiven. But how could they have ever forgiven him for this? They can’t have.

“Magnus?” Magnus jumps, and pulls his hand from his wrist, his magic stuttering at the tips of his fingers, then vanishing completely as his glamour creeps back over his wrist.

“Darling?” Magnus asks, turning to smile at Alec as the Nephilim walks through the door, coming in from the beach. Magnus appreciates the view, sighing happily as he watches the water trailing down his lover’s body.

“Come join me.” Alec tells him, looking smug, Magnus looks out the window at the water and cringes, remembers for the thousandth time since their arrival just why he doesn't visit the island very often.

“I prefer to enjoy the water from afar.” He answers, looking back to Alec and smiling. “But you go have fun, I really do enjoy the view.” Alec frowns, but evidently decides to let it go.

“Okay, but the water is lovely!” Alec points out, as if Magnus didn’t already know that, it’s the Pacific Ocean, of course the water is lovely. Magnus doesn’t say that, though, instead he hums and reaches out, presses his hand flat over Alec’s chest, over his heart, feels incredibly grateful and relieved when he feels it beating beneath his palm, as he always is.

“I’m sure the water is heavenly, but I’m happier on dry land.” Magnus says, before pulling his hand back and turning to his cauldron, which he’d thankfully put under a status ward before being lost in his thoughts.

“Are you sure you’re alright, Magnus?” Alec asks, Magnus can hear the doubt and concern in his voice and sighs.

“I’m fine, Alec. Just… processing some things.” He says, and it’s not a lie, it’s _not,_ he is fine, perfectly fine, just a little out of sorts, but it’s nothing he won’t sort out on his own. “Go enjoy the sun and the sand and the surf, leave me to my brewing.” Magnus commands, shooing Alec out, Alec goes, though he hesitates in the doorway for a few seconds before sighing and heading back out to the water. When he’s gone, Magnus holds his arm out and carefully peels the glamour away, bit by bit, and bites his lip when he sees the damage he has done. Nothing that won’t heal, but Alec will be so disappointed if he ever learns of this.

Alec can never know.

* * *

 

“So, are you going to tell him?” Magnus screams at the voice that interrupts his thoughts, while he’s sitting on the sand, watching the waves crashing against the shore in the moonlight.

“Luna!” He exclaims, pressing his hand over his pounding heart. “Why must you always do this?”

“Keeps you on your toes.” Luna replies, sinking down into the sand beside him, she nudges his shoulder with her own. “So?”

“He can never know.”

“He’ll find out. You plan to bind your heart and soul to him, one way or another, he’ll learn all the secrets you strive to keep from him, and you’ll learn all of his. It comes with the territory of being immortal loves for eternity.” Luna replies, scooping a handful of sand up in her palm, and pressing her other hand over it, lets her hands glow with the light of her magic. “You already know this.”

“I do.” Magnus agrees, sighing heavily. “He’ll be disappointed.” Magnus says, watching as Luna opens her hands and reveals a beautiful glass carving, when Magnus looks closer he can see that Luna has made him and Alec, each with one hand pressed to the other’s heart, and their free hands clasped tight together.

“Disappointed, upset, yes. But understanding, too. Forgiving. Loving. Just as you would be if it were him who hurts the way you do.” Luna says, pressing her carving into Magnus’ hands, Magnus takes it, and even as he feels the overwhelming urge to throw it into the sea - to get rid of the object that represents something that even now, he fears he will never be granted - he cradles it to his chest. “Trust him, Magnus. You know in your heart that he will never purposefully hurt you.”

“I know, but-“

“There was a war when I was a child, did you know?” Luna asks, seemingly out of nowhere, Magnus blinks at the abrupt change in subject but then shakes his head, thinking over her question. Luna is _ancient,_ he can’t fathom the world she grew up in.

“Luna-“

“Indoctrination is a terrible thing, Magnus. I lost many dear friends to its poison. It is always the young who are the first casualties. You can explain anything away when you live and breathe indoctrination, when it is all you have ever known, when you’ve fallen so deep into your teachings you don’t _want_ to see that what you’ve been taught is wrong. That what you personally have done is wrong. You don’t ever get over it, Magnus.”

“I know.”

“You’re both child soldiers, Magnus. Think back on everything Asmodeus taught you, would it scare your Nephilim?”

“Yes.” Magnus replies, almost immediately, because it’s not a question, never was, it’s a given. “He’d be horrified.”

“Just as you’re horrified by some of the decisions he makes. For all that he’s an adult in his world, to us, he’s still a child. He has only two decades worth of knowledge to our centuries. You’ve learnt through the years what lines you will cross, and what lines you will not. He is still learning. Give him time. Trust him to find his way.”

“I’m trying.”

“I know.” Luna replies, before letting out an exasperated sigh. “And for the love of all that is good, _please_ let Jareth foist a child on you!” she exclaims, apparently done with the deep topics for the moment.

“No!” Magnus exclaims, frantically shaking his head. “Alec and I agreed, no children, not until we are married! I’m not ready!”

“That’s what you said a hundred years ago, and then you went and adopted _Raphael_. You know Jareth’s just going to drop in one day with a baby and tell you there’s no give backs, what's done is done, what's said is said. Why must you tempt fate, Magnus?”

“I’m not ready.”

“Mhm, you know that’s not going to keep him away forever! After that mess with Valentine, there’s warlock children all over the place just looking for a forever home. Don’t you think Raphael wants to have a little sibling again? But don’t let Jareth talk you into looking after more than one child, otherwise you get stuck on some island in the middle of nowhere and you never get to leave, _ever_.”

“Luna!” Magnus yells, but Luna just laughs and continues to tease him on the matter, and others, as they sit in the light of her namesake. They stay like that until shortly before sunrise, when Luna has to go and ensure all of her charges are safely tucked away inside, and Magnus heads in, crawling tiredly into bed beside Alec and vowing to come clean when he wakes.

* * *

When Magnus hasn’t come to bed by midnight, Alec sighs heavily and goes in search of his lover, finds him sitting out on the beach, watching the waves, his mysterious warlock friend, Luna, sitting at his side. The two of them are laughing, Luna explaining something animatedly, her hands flying all over the place, Magnus listening just as attentively. Alec smiles at the both of them and heads back to bed, figures Magnus will come to bed when he is ready.

* * *

Magnus wakes up alone, it has become a common thing since their move to the island, Alec rises from bed early and goes for a run around the island and a quick dip in the ocean before he’ll wander back up to the lodge and prepare something for their breakfast, or lunch, if they’ve had a bad night, as they so often seem to.

Magnus sighs, and rolls over onto his back, holding his arm up in front of his face and slowly pulls the glamour on his wrist apart. When he’d torn it to shreds back at the loft a few weeks earlier, he hadn’t taken the time to really tether his glamour when he’d recast it, instead, he’d simply tied it to his intentions and put the tethering on his to do list. He huffs as the last of the glamour falls away, revealing his scars, and the handprint burnt into his skin, Cat would have a fit if she saw, but Magnus knows enough of healing that he made sure not to damage his magical channels or his nerves, or anything essential for that matter. He’s not _that_ stupid. Just questionably sane.

It takes him a long time to work up the courage to leave the bed, get changed and seek out his lover, but eventually he finds the strength and moves through the lodge, frowning when Alec is nowhere to be found. So, in the end, he wanders out onto the beach and finds Alec lying on a towel, sunbathing in only his boardshorts. Magnus smiles when he sees him and goes to sit down beside him on the sand and crosses his arms over his chest, to hide his latest mistake.

“I need to talk to you.” Magnus says, feels immensely guilty when Alec sits up almost immediately, his full attention on Magnus. “I’m sorry I’ve been pushing you away these last few days, Alexander.” Magnus tells him, suddenly feeling self-conscious and scared. He hates this, it’s the thing he has always, _always_ hated about love, that it makes him vulnerable, that for it to succeed he has to let it, has to open himself up, reveal bits and pieces of himself that he’d always planned to keep hidden away. Has to offer his whole heart and hope that it doesn't get broken.

“Magnus-“

“Clary’s news about the Clave has knocked me off kilter.” Magnus cuts in, before Alec can say whatever he has to say, because if he lets Alec speak, he’ll lose his nerve, and he can’t do that. “In the past, even before I became High Warlock, there were… warlocks I personally turned into the Clave, or I let get taken by the Clave. At the time, I felt like I had no other choices, they were a danger to the Downworld and often to themselves and the Gard offered a place they could… cool down. Think. Nothing they did was bad enough for the death sentence, but… well, I just felt I didn’t have a choice. Now I find out I all but signed their death warrants. Would have been kinder to just kill them myself.” He says, laughing hysterically as he thinks of them, his friends, his lovers, his people that he surrendered to the Clave, to the enemy and tried never to think about again.

“Magnus.” Alec whispers, reaching forward, Magnus’ entire body tenses and Alec freezes, frowning. Magnus takes a deep breath in, closes his eyes and holds out his arm, can’t name all the emotions swirling inside of him when he hears Alec gasp, feels Alec’s hands gentle as they take hold of his wrist, but fear and shame are easily recognizable. Familiar, too, is the way his chest tightens and how his eyes burn. He still has his eyes closed, refuses to open them, refuses to look at Alec and see the disappointment and resignation on his face. “Magnus, look at me.” Alec entreats, but Magnus just shakes his head. He gasps when Alec kisses him, his eyes opening of their own accord, before he sinks into the kiss.

“Cheater.” Magnus mumbles as Alec pulls away, Alec laughs and smiles at him, and Magnus sees the disappointment and the sadness in his eyes, but just as Luna had predicted, he sees love, too, and forgiveness, understanding, it takes his breath away, the way only Alec ever has. If he were a man of faith, he’d be asking God what he did to deserve this miracle man, but he isn’t a man of faith, and he knows that nothing in his life was put there by God, except for his various family members.

“I play to win.” Alec replies, shrugging his shoulders, then he sighs. “It’s a good thing we have forever, now, because clearly I’m going to be spending the majority of that time undoing whatever bullshit Camille managed to fill your head with when she was your ‘ _rock’_.” Alec says the word like it makes him sick, and it probably does, if Magnus is honest with himself, Alec hates Camille in a way he didn’t hate Valentine, and Magnus can’t figure it out, for the life of him. “You don’t… owe me anything, Magnus. Yes, I always want you to be honest with me and to let me help you as much as I can, but in the end, it’s your life, Magnus. It’s your choice. I’ve lied to you in the past, and you’ve lied to me, too and we got through it. And if you’re coming clean, then I guess I should, too.”

“Alexander?” Magnus asks, feels his heart plummet in his chest, what has he been missing? What has he been overlooking, so obsessed with his own issues?

“I’ve been having nightmares, too.” Alec admits, as if he would rather not, as if it pains him just to say the words aloud. “At first about what happened with Jace, but now, other things, too. You warned me that I’d regret being immortal, and I told you, as I still believe, that I wouldn’t blame you, but I’m dreaming about it. About the day I’m the last one left. Clary, Jace, Izzy, Max, my mom, my dad, all of them, dead, and I’m the last one left.”

“I’ll be here.” Magnus says, hesitating before reaching out to rest his hand on Alec’s shoulder, frowns at the way Alec's tenses up beneath his touch. “I’ll be here, I’ll always be here, with you.” He promises, though he knows it isn’t what Alec’s talking about, knows that as much of a comfort as it is, it’s not enough. “Why-?” he pauses, stops himself, wants to ask why Alec didn’t tell him this, why he didn’t realize himself, but he can’t just ask that, because he doesn’t really know why he’s been hiding from Alec, either.

“I’ve been using my silence and stillness runes.” Alec explains anyway, like he knows exactly what Magnus had been going to ask, and maybe he does. His explanation makes sense, though, and Magnus sighs.

“We’re a mess.”

“Yes.” Alec answers, making a face. “But we’re a mess together, and we’ll clean up our acts together, too.” He says, and Magnus laughs, nodding his head.

“Yeah.” He agrees, because they will. Together, the both of them, always, no matter what.

“Magnus?” Alec asks, and Magnus frowns at him, frowns at the tone, uncertain and scared and so unlike Alec.

“Alexander?”

“I know I said you don't owe me anything, and I know it’s selfish of me to ask and probably breaking some rule or something, but please, never be the one who takes you away from me.” Alec says, desperate and pleading, and Magnus freezes, hears his own heart pounding in his ears, feels like he’s underwater, time slowly down. He thinks he might not be breathing, is it possible to forget how to breathe? And then time seems to reassert itself, and he’s capable of thinking again.

“Have you been dreaming of-?” he starts to ask, but trails off, unable to say the words. _Have you been dreaming that I kill myself?_ Alec gives jerky nod, his eyes haunted and sad and full of so many different emotions that Magnus can’t recognize them all, but he hates that he’s responsible for them being there at all. “Alexander.” He whispers, anguished and shamed and so, so guilty. “I’m sorry.”

* * *

 

“I’m sorry.” Magnus whispers, and Alec jerks, shaking his head.

“I mean, it’s my mind that’s playing tricks on me, Magnus. I just need you to promise that you won’t be the reason I wake up in a world without you in it.” Alec murmurs, hates himself for asking, for demanding, because it’s not his place and he can’t even count the amount of times he’s thought of ending it all himself, especially with what happened to Jocelyn. So, he gets it, and he gets that it’s not a promise anyone can realistically keep because sometimes you just feel like there’s no other option and it’s… appealing. So, he _gets it._ But he never wants the things he sees in his dreams to come true.

“I want to promise you, Alec. I want to swear up and down that it will never happen, but if we’re being honest with each other, I don’t think I can. If someone were to ensnare my mind like they did yours at Max’s party, it would not end well. But I can promise to talk to you if I feel like that again, if I’m fully in control of my own mind and actions, of course.” Magnus says, and it’s not what Alec wants to hear, but he knows it is genuine, because he knows what he was asking was impossible, so it has to suffice. It has to.

“I couldn’t bear it, Magnus.” He whispers, anyway, his voice breaking. “I keep dreaming about waking up the morning after you were swapped back into your own body, only you made a different decision. I go to see you, to grovel at your feet for being an idiot and apologize a thousand times and beg you not to leave, and I get through your door and see your body sprawled on the balcony in a pool of your own blood and my heart _dies,_ Magnus. I feel it just turn to stone and shatter into dust in my chest.” He says, feels suddenly choked, his eyes burning and he can't breathe, keeps thinking about that image in his mind, Magnus body just lying there, his golden cat's eyes staring accusingly up at Alec, the life in them snuffed out.

"Alec, Alexander, I'm here, I'm right here." Alec jumps at the sound of Magnus' voice, and he looks at Magnus, his fingers twitching, aching to pull Magnus into his arms and never let go, but he holds back, pulls away, doesn't think he deserves to touch Magnus, to even be near Magnus after what he did, after the impossible decision he unknowingly laid at Magnus' feet all those weeks ago.

Magnus, though, apparently has other ideas, as he throws himself into Alec's arms, holding on so tightly Alec thinks his bones might break as the Warlock mumbles apologies, and assurances, and so much other nonsense into Alec's ear. It takes Alec a little while, before he hugs back.

They’ll get through this, together. This and all that might follow, even when they think they won't.

* * *

_Spoils and troubles, they burden you more,_  
_Pay them no mind, they matter no more._  
_Leave them behind and show me,_  
_All about the ocean._

_Look in your eyes,_  
_I've never seen the ocean,_  
_Not like this one._  
~Oceans, Puscifer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Up:  
> Babysitting and other things I haven't written yet...


	2. Of Children and Exes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is unwelcome wake up calls, babysitting, discussion about adoption, a thoughtful gift, and the regret of life choices...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't remember if its the same in the tv show (because I'm dumb) but in the books, vampires cry tears of blood... so I'm taking that for this story.
> 
> I've kept Luna's parents the same, only Xeno is fae in this, and Pandora is a demon (I mean, if Hecate can be a demon so can someone else from greek mythology). As for Rolf, he's fae.
> 
> Also, my AO3 on my computer is broken?! Nothing is loading correctly, so I'm just hoping this posts, haha.

“Magnus.” Magnus wakes up to sunlight streaming through the window, he frowns, and looks around for what woke him. “Magnus.”

“Luna!” He yells, sitting up quickly and looking at the doorway, where Luna is standing, watching him and Alec, a smirk on her face. Magnus looks at Alec who glares owlishly at both of them, before hiding his head under his pillow.

“I hate you both.” He tells them, his voice muffled by the pillow, Magnus rolls his eyes.

“You couldn’t send a fire message? Or wait till we were awake?” he asks, turning to scowl at his friend, she grins, her eyes as bright as her namesake.

“Rolf and I are going to bed soon, but we have a favour to ask, since you’re here.” Luna explains, bouncing up and down, her voice full of excitement. “Can you watch the children tonight? Rolf and I haven’t had a night to ourselves in… hmm… three hundred years? And we figured since you’re here, maybe we could have a night out?” she asks, biting her lip, her excited bouncing coming to a sudden halt as she waits for Magnus’ answer.

“Sure.” Alec replies, holding the pillow in the air so he can look at Luna, Magnus scowls, lying back down on the mattress with a huff.

“Fine, fine. Enjoy your night out, we’ll watch the little ones.” He agrees, glaring at the ceiling, Luna squeals.

“You’re the best! I’ll bring you back something!” she says, running out of the lodge, yelling in what Magnus thinks might be old Norse, but a regional dialect he doesn’t recognize.

“She’s excitable.” Alec says, groaning as he curls into Magnus’ side.

“She’s always been like that.” Magnus mumbles, closing his eyes. “I guess we should sleep in today, if we’re staying up all night.” Alec snorts.

“Good luck getting back to sleep after that!”

“Touche.”

* * *

“Okay, so we should probably talk about your nightmares and my issues.” Magnus says, as they’re trailing after the children, and honestly, he has no idea how Luna and Rolf do it, the moment the sun is down, the kids are out the door and off into the forest before Magnus can even say ‘boo’.

“Hmm, probably, but is now the best time?” Alec questions, which Magnus absolutely agrees with, because they had all day and instead spent it sunbathing on the beach. Alec turns, and scoops up little Amaryllis when she runs at him, holding her arms up. Over the past few days, he’s gotten used to how cold the children are, being vampires, so he doesn’t even react when his skin brushes against hers. “What is happening, Miss Amaryllis?” Alec asks the four-year-old, who beams at him.

“Miss Luna says Amaryllis means to shine, is that right, Mr Alec?” she queries, a small frown forming on her face.

“I don’t know, you’ll have to ask Mr Magnus for that one.” Alec replies, smirking when Amaryllis makes a face, apparently Magnus is the only one who escapes having a title.

“Magnus!” Amaryllis whines, turning to Magnus, who raises an eyebrow.

“Yes, Amaryllis?” he asks, sharing a look with Alec, who just smiles.

“What does Amaryllis mean?” the girl asks, holding her arms out and making grabby hands for Magnus, who smiles and takes her from Alec.

“Well, darling, Miss Luna is right, it means to shine, to twinkle, to sparkle.” Magnus explains, bouncing Amaryllis in his arms.

“But _I_ don’t sparkle!” Amaryllis exclaims, her lower lip wobbling, and at this point Alec’s of the opinion that Downworlders just are natural drama queens, all of them.

“Well, we can fix that, Little Blossom.” Magnus assures her, putting her on the ground and calling his magic forth, Amaryllis giggling and clapping her hands, and the next thing Alec knows, Amaryllis is sparkling. Her clothing, her skin, her hair, her _eyes,_ she’s just sparkling all over. The little girl squeals with happiness and rushes forward to hug Magnus’ legs tightly, Magnus making a face at her vampire strength, and he quickly picks her up, cradling her to his chest. “Now you’re fit to bear the name Amaryllis!” he announces, and she giggles, wrapping her arms around his neck and sighing happily.

“Thank you, Magnus!” the little girl says, smiling widely. They continue to walk through the forest for another few minutes, Amaryllis playing with Magnus’ hair as he carries her, before she lets out a heavy sigh, Magnus frowns.

“What’s wrong?” Magnus asks, sharing a concerned look with Alec, who shrugs.

“Mr Rolf says you have a son like us.” Amaryllis says, leaning back in Magnus’s arms to stare into his eyes, biting her lip.

“Raphael is older than you, but yes, he is a vampire like you.” Magnus answers, adjusting his hold on Amaryllis.

“Why does he get to live in the Elsewhere?” Amaryllis asks, her little face scrunched up in an angry frown.

“Raphael lives in the Elsewhere because he’s older than you, Amaryllis. It’s why Eden and the others live in the Elsewhere, too. You already know this. What is really bothering you?” Magnus asks, raising an eyebrow at the girl, who looks away.

“How come Raph’el gets ‘dopted?” the girl asks, her lower lip wobbling, a lone bloody tear slipping from her eye.  

“Oh, Little Blossom.” Magnus murmurs, sinking to his knees in the middle of the forest, so he can hug the little girl properly. “You know Miss Luna will adopt you if you ask her.”

“Miss Luna already has kids.” Amaryllis replies, shaking her head.

“She does, that’s true, but that doesn’t mean she can’t have more.”

“Miss Luna can’t ‘dopt all of us.” Amaryllis says, shaking her head, and wiping at her eyes, streaking the blood across her face, Alec cringes.

“Why not?”

“She just can’t, but you and Mr Alec could ‘dopt me.” She mumbles, looking between the two of them with hopeful eyes, Magnus sighs.

“We’d be happy to adopt you, Blossom, but our lives are in the Elsewhere, and one day we’ll have to go back, and we couldn’t take you with us. That wouldn’t be fair to you or us.” Magnus explains, conjuring a handkerchief and wiping away Amaryllis’ tears. “I’ll speak with the Vampire clans, okay? There’s nothing keeping them from visiting more often and you’re already part of them, and some of them might be willing to stay on the island so they can adopt you and the others. It’s how things were before the Accords.”

“Okay.” Amaryllis replies, frowning. “Will they really ‘dopt me?”

“Of course, Amaryllis!” Alec exclaims, kneeling down beside them. “Anyone would be lucky to have you for a daughter.”

“But you and Magnus-“

“Do you know what Shadowhunters are?” Alec asks, holding his hands out to the girl, who narrows her eyes at him, before shaking her head and reaching for him, Magnus passing her over. Alec holds her to his chest and climbs to his feet. “My family are Shadowhunters.” Alec explains, as he starts walking through the trees with her, Magnus trailing along just behind them. “Shadowhunters are tasked with protecting the Shadow World from demons and protecting the Mundane world from the Shadow World. If my family learnt you existed, you and all the other children here and at the other Sanctuaries, it would be dangerous for you.”

“Like the sun?” Amaryllis asks, biting her lip, Alec nods.

“Yes, like the sun. So, you have to stay here, and if someone adopts you, they will have to stay here, too. To keep you and all the others safe, and Magnus and I? We can’t stay here forever, do you understand?”

“Aha, you and Magnus’ life is in the Elsewhere and the Elsewhere is dangerous, so I can’t go there? So, someone has to adopt me and stay here with me forever?” Amaryllis summarises, Alec smiles.

“Yes, but someone will adopt you, Amaryllis, and they’ll love you forever.”

“You think so?”

“I know so. Now, come on, let’s find the others and head back to the compound, and Magnus will talk to Miss Luna about opening the Sanctuary up to adoptions again.”

“Yay!”

* * *

The sun is almost rising by the time they've found all the children and sent them off to bed. Alec privately decides that maybe he won't adopt _all_ the children if he and Magnus are still childless in a thousand years, because just looking after ten children for a single night has made him feel decades older than he is. Seriously, how does anyone do this all day, every day? Children are ridiculous!

* * *

The kids are tucked into their coffins, and Magnus and Alec are crashed out in the guest room by the time Luna and Rolf sneak in, giggling quietly as they move through the dorm, checking on each of the children, then on Magnus and Alec.

“Well, they’re all accounted for.” Rolf whispers, closing the guest door, Luna laughs quietly, and tugs on his arm.

“Then let’s go and enjoy the last bit of quiet we’ll have for a while. I’ll give them their present later!” she says, dragging him down the hall to their bedroom.

“It’s not a baby, is it?” Rolf asks, raising an accusing eyebrow at his wife, who snickers, shaking her head.

“No, that’s Jareth’s prerogative. Don’t worry, they’ll love it.” Luna assures him, as they disappear into their room.

* * *

It’s around midday when Magnus and Alec roll out of bed, groaning and complaining about the sunlight as they stumble their way across the sand back to their lodge when Magnus confirms that Luna and Rolf have made it home. Once they’re back at the lodge, they snuggle up on the couch and mindlessly watch Netflix for a few hours.

When night falls, Luna appears at their doorstep, looking entirely too happy for someone who spends every hour of their life surrounded by children who will never grow up. Magnus tiredly waves her through the door and flops back down on the couch beside Alec, snuggling back in. Luna laughs at them as she comes to sit down in an armchair beside them.

“I told you I’d bring you back a present.” Luna says, holding out a delicate looking box to them, Alec reaches forward to take it when Magnus just makes a face at it, Magnus huffs as he’s jostled by Alec and sits up, to rub at his eyes.

“I don’t know if you want to open that, Alec.” Magnus warns, as Alec carefully starts unwrapping the ribbon tied around the box, Luna pouts at Magnus, who just laughs. “Your mother was Pandora!” he exclaims, as Alec pauses, frowning.

“Pandora’s Box, Pandora?” he asks, frowning and looking between the too magic users, Luna just grins.

“It’s harmless, I promise. Besides, all the evils have been released already.” She says, shrugging her shoulders.

“Except hope." Magnus points out with a sigh and a roll of his eyes. Go on then, Alec.” He mutters, so Alec obeys, pulling the ribbon free and carefully lifting the lid.

“Oh.”

“What?” Magnus asks, leaning over to see, frowning at the odd-looking stele contained in the box, it’s black with a bloodred and black gem at the tip, and carved with runes, some of which Magnus recognizes as Enochian. “What is it?”

“Thousands of years ago, long before Shadowhunters were even a thought in Raziel’s mind, warlocks and Fae used to use stele like this to cast demonic and Adamic runes upon their skin. It’s not required for your marriage ceremony, but it’ll probably be more pleasant for Magnus’ than if you used an adamas stele. It’s a Tartarus Ruby.” Luna explains, she waves her hand and a similar stele appears in her hands, this one has silver acorns carved into it, and a carved handle that appears to be of a flower bud. Luna pulls her sleeve back and with the air of someone who has done this a thousand times, draws an unfamiliar rune on her wrist. It glows a dark and angry red and the colour seems to seep beneath her skin, curling out a few inches before fading, leaving only the glowing rune behind. She holds her arm out for inspection and Magnus is quick to take her up on the offer, using his magic to inspect the rune.

“What does it do?” he asks, prodding at the rune, Luna laughs.

“This is the Rune of Pandora.” she answers, giving a happy sigh. “It gives hope when hope is hard to find.”

“That’s amazing, we don’t have a rune for that.” Alec says, leaning forward to look at the rune.

“You did, once. Somehow, in a thousand years, you Shadowhunters have managed to lose and forget more runes than we Downworlders ever had cause to use.” Lune replies, smirking. “It’s funny, your Clary could and would have been the Clave’s greatest asset, but they’ve all but made an enemy of her, and she’ll never help them now.”

“How do you-?” Alec asks, frowning, Magnus snorts.

“Darling, always assume Luna knows everything.”

“Did you know that time is considered an Evil of the World?” Luna asks, voice pleasant and far away, and Magnus rolls his eyes.

“Thank you for your gift, Luna.” Magnus tells her, while Alec is busy carefully rolling the demonic stele between his hands.

“It was my pleasure, Magnus.”

“It’s actually good you came here, so I don’t have to chase you around the Island.” Magnus says, smirking at her as she laughs.

“Amaryllis?” she asks, and Magnus nods his head.

“She wants to be adopted.”

“The clans are welcome to return, I think just having them here will settle her again. Rolf and I have both offered to adopt her countless times over the years, but she is of the opinion that we can’t adopt all the children on this island, as if they’re not all our children already.” Luna replies, rolling her eyes. “Honestly, we’ve been looking after these children for three centuries now, even Lysander and Lorcan call the children their little siblings.”

“Ah, yes, how are your beautiful boys? Lysander was studying Magical Creatures last I heard, wasn't he?” Magnus asks, a mischievous grin on his face, Luna huffs.

“It’s not polite to ask after your exes in front of your current partner, Magnus, did no one ever teach you proper manners?” Luna retorts, scandalized, Alec raises an eyebrow.

“I mean, he probably runs into exes everywhere he goes.” Alec jokes, Luna bursts out laughing while Magnus just looks offended. “What? I’ve met two so far!”

“Three.” Luna argues, Alec blinks at her in surprise.

“What? I know Camille and Dot, who is the other one?”

“Áine, the Seelie Queen.” Luna answers, a smug smile on her face. “Beautiful and magical Magnus is legendary even in our own circles.

“You dated the Seelie Queen?” Alec exclaims, wide eyed and vaguely horrified. “Magnus, don’t take this the wrong way, but the hell?”

“I didn’t know she was the Seelie Queen at the time!” Magnus argues, folding his arms over his chest in a sulk. “I lost a bet with Jareth and he set me up on a blind date with his cousin!”

“Yes, and then you didn’t realize she was the Seelie Queen until date number five, wasn’t it?” Luna asks, absently, Magnus glares at her. "The two of you got along like London on fire... oh wait. That _was_ you two..." 

“I hate you.”

“I almost became your mother-in-law, Magnus, have some respect!”

“Wow.” Alec mutters, bemused. “Just wow. Magnus, it’s a really good thing that I know you fall in love with one soul at a time because-“

“Luna! Stop trying to turn Alec against me!” Magnus whines, Luna giggles.

“Like anyone could do that.” She answers, rolling her eyes. “Sweetheart, he’s lost on you. Your hearts sing for each other already, it’s cute, actually. Besides, you can’t disown me now!”

“I don't know what you're talking about, Luna." 

“After all I’ve done for you, Magnus, this is how you repay me?”

“You remember that time you told me that little sisters were the most annoying things on the planet?” Magnus asks Alec, glaring at Luna. “Well, I beg to differ, _older_ sisters are the _bane_ of my existence!”

“Don’t be rude to Maze when she’s not here to defend herself, Magnus! That's just rude, I know I taught you better manners than this.” Luna says, sounding so innocent, Alec bursts out laughing.

“Magnus, I _love_ your family!”

“What family? I am an only child, I have no parents, and my only family is a son and this really amazing fiancé… Alec, stop laughing! I was being serious. Alexander! I take it back! There is only Raphael!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I shouldn't have written the wedding already because now I'm getting annoyed that I have to go back and change some things, like the stele, because I intended Lucifer to gift that to Magnus, but... Luna says no. Hahaha.
> 
> Luna's stele is a combination of her first and second wands.


	3. By the Telling May They Become, May They All Be Feathers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus and Alec have a necessary and difficult talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, apologies for the delay in posting. I'm currently applying for a secondment that I REALLY REALLY WANT, oh my god! And I'm stressing the frick frack out.
> 
> Secondly, I've been picking at this chapter for a few days now, because well, I'm not too happy with it.
> 
> Thirdly, dang, why does Maynard have such fitting songs for this?!?!?! (Maynard is the lead singer for three of my favourite bands, Puscifer, Tool, and A Perfect Circle...) 
> 
> Chapter warnings: Discussion of torture, and suicide, and depression etc, etc. You guys know the drill by now.

  _Damage has defined our border,_  
_Wall and manner forged in flame._  
_Knowing little of your wounding,_  
_Share our mending all the same._  
  
_Weight of words and wars we carried,_  
_I'm like you, just like you._  
_Eyes of secrets, storm and story,_  
_Show and tell, we'll make it through._  
~Feathers, A Perfect Circle

* * *

“So, we should talk about your nightmares and my assorted issues.” Magnus says with a sigh as he and Alec sit on the shore, watching the waves crashing as the sun slowly makes its trek into the early morning sky. Neither of them had slept the last night, they’d tried, but at around three in the morning, they’d both given up and wandered out to sit on the sand, leaning against each other but not speaking.

“Yeah.” Alec answers, frowning. “I’m used to hiding my nightmares.” He says with a sigh, shaking his head. “Most everyone in the Institute does it, it’s just a courtesy, really.”

“ _A courtesy_?” Magnus exclaims, horrified.

“Yeah, let those who can sleep, sleep. Magnus, most Shadowhunters figure they’ll be dead before they hit their forties, and the ones that do live that long only do so out of sheer dumb luck. It’s not all sunshine and daisies for us, either. I’ve had nightmares since my first night on mission. Same for Izzy. Same for Jace. Max has them now, too.” Alec answers, shrugging his shoulders, a defeated look on his face. “Our lives for the Clave. Our hearts for the Clave. Our souls for the Clave. Our youth for the Clave. Our happiness for the Clave.”

“How old were you?” Magnus asks, pressing his hands over Alec’s _enkeli_ rune, the first permanent rune he would have received.

“Ten.” Ten years old, just a year older than Magnus himself was when he killed his step-father. He remembers Luna’s comment out on the beach a few nights ago. _‘You’re both child soldiers.’_

“What happened?” his voice is little more than a whisper on the wind, but he knows Alec hears him by the way Alec’s whole-body tenses.

“I killed a warlock.” Alec replies, and Magnus can’t help but flinch, Alec shrugs his shoulders. “He broke the Accords, was performing experiments on mundanes, and when we confronted him, he got hostile and I got a good shot in.” Alec takes a deep breath in and lets it out slowly. “The law is hard, but it is the law.” He whispers, and for the first time Magnus understands why Shadowhunters wield that saying like a shield. Because they’re sent out into the world as innocent children, excited to finally join the hunt, excited to finally see what their parents do first hand, and they come home something else entirely, their whole world changed, innocence dead and gone, never to return. So, they fall back on their teachings, on the things that tell them that what they are doing is the right thing, the just thing, the lawful thing. It doesn't excuse them, but he can understand it.

“I’m sorry.” Magnus murmurs, because he doesn’t know what else to say to that, instead he turns and pulls Alec into a hug, holding him so tightly, ignoring the tears that burn in his eyes when Alec’s fingers grip tight to his shirt and Alec’s shoulders start to tremble in a tell-tale sign that Alec is crying.

“I’ve never stopped dreaming of him.” Alec admits, his voice breathless and choked. “I saw him die in my dreams every night for three months, and then I helped fight a Fear Demon, and suddenly I had new nightmares, but he never went away.”

“No.” Magnus breathes, shaking his head. “They never do, he’s the first person you ever killed. They-they stay with you. Even when I did my best to seal the memories of my mother and step-father away, they’d plague me every few centuries, because you can’t ever just get rid of something like that, not without magically removing the memories.”

“Why didn’t you?” Alec asks, resting his cheek on Magnus shoulder, Magnus laughs.

“Because when it happened, I didn’t understand exactly what I could do and that memory modification was an option open to me. Then, when I was older, I’d already come to terms with what I had done and there was no point. I’d already committed other atrocities, if I wanted to have a peaceful sleep, I’d have to remove all of them, too, and that would have left me vulnerable to the enemies I made along the way. Asmodeus raised me, remember?”

“Right.” Alec is silent for a very long time after that and Magnus is content to let the subject fall, but then Alec pulls back to frown at him, and Magnus just raises an eyebrow back. “Madzie killed those Shadowhunters at the Institute. Do you think-“

“Cat and I agreed it was for the best to remove those memories from Madzie. At best, she knows she helped Valentine break into the Institute, but she doesn’t remember how and she doesn’t remember that she killed people, because yes, she would have remembered. Warlock’s have incredible means of memory recall open to us, so even if she naturally forgot, magic would bring the memories back to her if she wished.”

“Oh.” Alec whispers, and like that the conversation dies, Magnus doesn’t push it. Again, it is Alec who breaks the silence, after what seems like a lifetime. “You’ve been tortured before, right? Not just… in Edom and not with the whole body swap thing but-“

“Yes.” Magnus answers, before Alec can start to ramble, he frowns. “Why?”

“This is gonna sound bad, but you bounced back faster than I thought you would. Even with your nightmares, I honestly thought you’d be an absolute wreck for _months_ afterwards.” Alec explains, sheepish. Magnus frowns at the unspoken _I was,_ he can hear at the end of the sentence.

“I’m still bouncing back.” Magnus says, shrugging his shoulders. “I just have had practice at it. Fake it until you make it is big in the Downworld.” He narrows his eyes at Alec, who raises an eyebrow. “You’ve been tortured before, too.”

“Oh. I-uh-I-yeah.” Alec replies, closing in on himself, his shoulders scrunching up in an effort to make himself small, Magnus hesitates before reaching out to touch his hand.

“Who? When? What happened?” Magnus asks, already thinking of ways to make the culprits pay if they’re still living.

“We both know my parents weren’t innocents in the Uprising. I didn’t know at the time why it was me, it didn’t make any sense to me, I just thought he was a madman, or that I was delirious from the pain and that I imagined his senseless ranting, that's what everyone told me anyway. But then Lydia dropped the bomb about my parents being Circle. It all suddenly made sense.” Alec says, a sardonic smile on his face. “I was sixteen, Jace and I were fighting over something stupid, I doubt either of us remember what, now. I went out on patrol without him or anyone else to back me up, and I paid for it. I was missing for a week.”

“Alexander.”

“I don’t remember most of it. Well, that’s a lie. There were… complications with removing the memories completely, so the Silent Brothers spent months with me, blunting the memories.” Alec explains, his voice cold, his face carefully blank.

“They took the emotion and the feeling out of the memories?” Magnus asks, and Alec nods, Magnus frowns. “Why couldn’t you have a warlock remove the memories?”

“Because it was a warlock who tortured me and I freaked out every time they tried to call another warlock in to take my memories. Eventually, Izzy and Jace barricaded the hospital wing and told everyone to fuck off.” Alec replies, a smirk pulling at his lips. “Mum and dad gave them such a lecture about it afterwards.”

“I can just imagine.” Magnus says, anxiously playing with his ear cuff. “Do you-does my magic make you uncomfortable, when I use it on you?” he asks, concerned and afraid of the answer, because he’s used so much magic on Alec for all sorts of little things, but if even that has ever made Alec uncomfortable, that’s one time to many.

“No, no. Don’t worry, the blunting helped and I had to have Shadowhunter Counseling, which mostly just consisted of facing my fears until I wasn’t afraid anymore, but the blunting made everything… better. I still have the memories, but it’s like- it’s like they’re someone else’s memories and I was just a passive observer. I’d have told you if your magic made me uncomfortable, trust me.”

“Okay.” Magnus answers, still fidgeting with his ear cuff. “They’re dead, right?”

“Yeah, you don’t remember?”

“What?” Magnus asks, blinking at Alec in confusion.

“You were the High Warlock, we, the Institute, had to let you know that we’d killed one of the Warlocks under your protection, as they had broken the accords?” Alec queries, looking at Magnus like he’s grown a second head. Magnus continues to blink dumbly at him, his mind thinking over the notifications of such he’s received from the Institute over the last few years, and zeros in on one particular notification around the time Alec would have been sixteen.

“Braxton Dire.” Magnus whispers, knowing he’s correct when Alec flinches. “Right, I hope the bastard is enjoying his time in hell.”

“How do you know he went to hell?” Alec asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Trust me, that bastard went to hell. You sell your soul to a Greater Demon, eventually they come to collect.” Magnus answers, feeling grimly satisfied. “He’ll spend the rest of eternity paying for his stupid life choices.”

“Good.” Alec replies, sighing heavily. “I’m sorry for hiding my nightmares from you, I just… it’s been something private since I was ten.”

“I understand, I’m sorry for hiding from you, too. Clary’s thrown me for a loop, Alexander, I won’t lie about that, and as you are very aware, I have very horrible coping methods.”

“I assume that’s why you drink?” Alec asks, raising an eyebrow, Magnus shrugs his shoulders.

“If I’m too drunk to stand, I’m too drunk to do anything else either.” He answers, as if that explains everything, and well, it does a good job of trying. “I’m sorry for being the cause of at least some of your nightmares, Alexander. I didn’t tell you about… _that night,_ to make you feel guilty or sad or s _cared._ I told you so you’d understand that I might put on a brave face sometimes, but I-I’m broken, Alec, and I think so are you. I told you so you’d understand that even without the influence of my magic rotting inside me, I’m emotionally fragile and still learning how to cope with things in a healthy way. I told you, so you’d know exactly what you were signing yourself up for.”

“I already know what I signed up for.” Alec says, shaking his head. “I signed up to be with you for the rest of our lives. I signed up to be the other half of your soul, of your heart. I signed up to make you smile every day. I signed up to be the shoulder you cry on. I signed up to be able to kiss you breathless and not get thrown halfway across the room for it. I signed up to carry your burdens. I signed up for you, all of you, all of your weaknesses and all of your strengths. I signed up because I love you so much sometimes it hurts.” Magnus gives a breathless little laugh, tears burning in his eyes as he curls into Alec.

“When did you become so… articulate?” he asks, Alec huffs.

“Clary says I can be moody all I want, but I have to at least talk to _you.”_ He answers, shrugging, Magnus rolls his eyes.

“I thought we weren’t taking relationship advise from my sister anymore?”

“Sometimes she has good tips.”

“Yes, she does.” Magnus agrees, smiling. “Though her choice in partner leaves a lot to be desired.”

“Oh, shut up, you like Jace. You wouldn’t have let him stay in your loft otherwise, and you wouldn’t have given up your magic for him.” Alec retorts, narrowing his eyes at Magnus. “And don’t say you did it for me because we were like… barely a _thing_ when Jace came looking for somewhere to stay.” Magnus sulks.

“Fine. But I did give up my magic for _you._ I would have found some other way to free him from Lilith’s grasp. She _is_ my step-mother, after all.” He says, shrugging his shoulders. “And I could have sent a Hell-fire message to Maze, she’d have told me everything I needed to set Jace free, for a price, but all the same.”

“Then why-?”

“Time. Asmodeus was the fastest option since Lorenzo took away the best option for us. You love Jace, so much that I think when we merge our souls and our hearts that Jace’ll be tethered to us, too. Not at all the same as we will be, but I feel there will be a thread between the three of us, because he holds a part of your soul already.”

“Oh, I didn’t think of that.” Alec murmurs, considering it. “You’re right, he holds part of my soul and I hold part of his, so yes, he’ll be tethered to us, are you okay with that?”

“Of course. I knew it when we discussed binding ourselves together.” Magnus admits, grinning. “Magic is my forte, darling, I tend to consider all the possibilities before making a decision.” Them he pauses, a dark look forming in his eyes. “Except, apparently, when it comes to body swaps.”

“You couldn’t have-“

“One of my best friends has an ability to _become_ other people, when she does this she gains their memories as well as their visage. She’s _become_ me before, and for some reason, I never even considered the possibility of the body swap happening. Well, I think I learnt my lesson.” Magnus mutters, scowling.

“D-do you still have… nightmares about-?”

“Yes.” Magnus answers, cutting Alec off, feels a flicker of guilt at the sadness that fills Alec’s eyes.

“Sometimes you wake up from your nightmares and you flinch every time I touch you, is that-?”

“Yes. Sometimes, you do the same. Is that because of… me? Or just that you don’t like being touched after a nightmare?” Magnus asks hesitantly. Alec sighs heavily and looks away.

“When I-when I dream that you took your life, I wake up to you in my arms and I feel like I don’t deserve it.” Alec admits, stumbling over his words. “I-I feel like I don’t deserve to touch you, to hold you, to be loved by you because I-I-“ Alec swallows thickly, sucks in a breath and _breaks,_ “Because I killed you.” He sobs, burying his head in his hands. Magnus feels absolutely gutted as he wraps his arms around Alec and holds him tightly, feels the way Alec shakes against him, and he takes a deep breath in.

“I’m here, Alexander. _I’m right here._ And if I had died, it wouldn’t have been your fault. It would have been a choice I made, on my own.” He says, his voice trembling, his eyes burning with his own tears.

“Because I betrayed you.”

“You didn’t… betray me. You just… showed me a different side of you that I didn’t like and it… threw me. Much like Clary has thrown me. I was hurt and confused. I-it wasn’t that you didn’t believe me, well, it was partly that, but mostly it was that you doubted, but not even the doubt was enough to make you stop. But I worked through it, am _still_ working through it. But I forgave you a long time ago, you just-you just need to learn to forgive yourself.” Magnus babbles, unsure what to say to make this better, if he can even make this better. He and Alec both made decisions, bad decisions, and they have to deal with those consequences now.

“How?”

“We’ll figure that out together.” Magnus whispers, resting his cheek on Alec’s shoulder. “First of all, we’ll stop hiding from each other. I don’t care if you wake me up in the middle of the night, Lilith knows I’ve woken you up enough times. And I’ll speak with you when I’m… adrift. That-that’s all we can do, Alexander. Contrary to what my magic will have you believe, healing doesn’t happen just like that.” He says, snapping his fingers. Alec gives a sad little laugh, but Magnus feels the way the tension seems to be bleeding out of him.

“We’ll figure this out together. Always together.”

“Always.”

* * *

  _Sadness like a pendulum,_  
_Pulls us 'round and to and fro._  
_Onus fate and undue odium,_  
_Armor, anchor, lead and stone._  
  
_By the telling, will they become?_  
_Will they all be feathers?_  
~Feathers, A Perfect Circle


	4. I Took You By the Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fear is faced, Luna was a wild youth, there is discussion and revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can someone please just create a machine that takes the fic ideas from my head and writes them for me because ?!??! Why do I always feel inspired to write when I don't have time to write?! And uninspired to write when I finally have time to write?! Whhhhyy?
> 
> Also, I'm loving all these 'subtle' crossovers I'm doing. :P

_Night has always pushed up day,_   
_You must know life to see decay._   
_But I won't rot, I won't rot,_   
_Not this mind and not this heart,_   
_I won't rot._

_And I took you by the hand,_  
 _And we stood tall,_  
 _And remembered our own land,_  
 _What we lived for._  
~After the Storm, Mumford and Sons

* * *

After the heavy conversation, when they’ve both recovered sufficiently, the sun high in the sky, Alec somehow manages to talk Magnus into going into the water.

“Come on, it’ll be fun.” Alec promises, his hand warm and strong in Magnus’ own. Magnus scrunches his toes up in the sand, trying to stay rooted to the spot as Alec drags him along towards the water’s edge.

“Alec.”

“ _Come on_.” Alec whines, his face rumpling into the most adorable pout, Magnus almost caves.

“Alec, _no._ ” Alec sighs and stops tugging, the pair of them standing in the sand, halfway between the house and halfway to the water.

“Why don’t you like the water? You own an _island,_ Magnus?”

“I can’t swim!” Magnus hisses, pulling his hand free from Alec’s and crossing his arms over his chest, his shoulders scrunching up. “I mean, I know how to swim, but I haven’t… I told you how my brother tried to drown me, right?”

“Oh.” Alec breathes, running his hand through his hair. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Magnus whispers, looking away, but its not fine, because he and the ocean have a history. It’s not fine because it has been centuries and he still can’t even go near a small pool of water without having to stamp down hard on his magic to keep it from bursting out of him at the mere memory of drowning.

“Do you trust me?” Alec asks, holding his hand out. Magnus frowns at him and then down at his hand, hesitating and hating himself for it because yes, he trusts Alec, despite the fear that still curls deep within his mind, he trusts Alec with his life, with his heart, with his soul, but this might be asking too much. “I promise I won’t let you drown, I know mouth-to-mouth and general first aid, and Luna is Luna and a call away.” Alec promises, then he pauses, cocking his head to the side. “I wonder if there’s a demonic rune of water-breathing.”

“We could ask Luna.” Magnus replies, considering. “But she’ll probably murder us in our sleep if we wake her up.” He points out, reasonably, Alec huffs.

“Yeah.” He agrees, deflating. “I’ll ask her tonight or I could text Maze, who keeps normal people hours… oh but, she’ll be sleeping, too because time zones.” Instead of answering, Magnus laughs and makes a decision, he takes Alec’s hand, yanking him along to the water’s edge, Alec yelping in surprise. “Hey, no, we don’t have to go in the water, we can wait for Luna to-“

“Have to face my fears at some point.” Magnus argues, hesitating just at the water’s edge before taking a deep breath in and closing his eyes, walking forward, the sound of the crashing waves suddenly so loud in his ears. He gives a little gasp as he feels the water suddenly rushing between his legs almost knocking him down with the strength of it, he laughs as he feels his feet sinking into the sand as the water turns and tries to drag him deeper in. Finds a strange comfort in the feel of the water and sand rushing between and beneath his toes. It’s been so long since he’s felt the harsh caress of the ocean and he’s missed it.

He breathes in deep, his hand holding tight to Alec’s as he wades deeper and deeper into the water up to his chest, he turns to grin at Alec, who smiles back at him fondly. He laughs and kicks his feet up, floating on the top of the water, closing his eyes and drinking in the sun as they’re settled comfortably in the calmer waters between the breaking waves.

* * *

Now that Alec has gotten Magnus into the water, he can’t seem to get him out and he’s half concerned Magnus is going to just fall asleep when there’s a sucking sound akin to a portal forming and then he and Magnus are collapsing in a heap on the sand, groaning in pain and annoyance.

“Luna.” Magnus snaps, his voice muffled by the sand he’s currently face down in and he can’t move because Alec happens to be lying across his back.

“There is a storm coming.” Luna says, her voice sounding strange and so far away. When Alec looks at her, her eyes are glowing an eerie blue-white and she doesn’t seem to be seeing him or Magnus at all. “The sea will rise up and swallow the sun.” she intones, before turning and slowly making her way back to the sanctuary. Alec stares after her, feeling almost afraid to breathe.

“Uhm, Magnus?”

“She’s fine.” Magnus says, groaning. “Are you trying to break my back?”

“What? Oh, sorry!” Alec yells, rolling away, Magnus huffs out a relieved breath and pushes himself up onto his hands and knees.

“We should go inside. The wards will protect us from the storm, but it’s safer inside.”

“There’s really a storm?” Alec asks, climbing to his feet and holding his hand out to Magnus, who nods and takes it, Alec pulling him up.

“Yes, a magical one.” Magnus replies, tugging Alec along to the lodge. “Luna’s never wrong about the weather, she’s rarely wrong about anything, and I’d rather be safely ensconced in the lodge than out here if the wards were to fall and the island flood.”

“Wouldn’t we die either way?” Alec questions, wide eyed as they stumble through the doorway, and Magnus shuts the door behind them.

“No. The Island wards are separate from the wards on the Sanctuary and on the lodge.” Magnus explains, going through the lodge and shutting all the windows, Alec trailing along behind him, content to just let Magnus go. “If the wards on the Island fall, we’ll be portalled to Jareth’s kingdom.”

“But I thought you had to create a portal? That’s why we always have to seek warlocks out?”

“The fae have a beautiful relationship with Mother Nature, Alexander. If they ask her nicely enough for something, she will grant it. Let’s just hope the wards hold, because I’m really not in the mood to be unconscious for a week, and I doubt Luna and Rolf are, either.” Magnus says, patting Alec on the cheek as he walks past to double check all the doors and windows, completely oblivious to the concern that blossoms in Alec.

“What?”

“It’s inconvenient.” Magnus answers, absently.

“Magnus! Why is it a concern that you might fall unconscious for a _week?”_ Alec exclaims, reaching out and grabbing Magnus’ shoulders, spinning him around.

“What? Oh, if the Island wards fall, the ocean is going to crash against my wards like a… well a tsunami. I’d have to hold the wards long enough for us to be portalled away and that’ll take just long enough to leave an impact.” Magnus clarifies, shrugging his shoulders. Alec blinks at him stupidly, then his eyes narrow.

“You’re not holding the Island’s wards.” Alec realizes, surprised. “But I thought you had to be tied into them?”

“Not exactly.” Magnus hums, shaking his head. “Warding is complicated, Alexander. You can be tied into a ward scheme or you can be tethered, there’s a difference but one we normally just ignore. I’m _tied_ into the warding for this lodge and my loft in New York, and all my other properties dotted around the globe. I’m _tethered_ to the New York Institute and the wards for the Island, that means if the wards ever fail, I won’t _know_ unless I’m _really_ paying attention. As for my loft? Well, when Valentine broke through the wards on my lair, I knew about it immediately because it hurt like someone had ripped something out of me. He didn’t bring the wards down, just tore a giant hole through them and I let them go, so they wouldn’t get me killed in the fight.”

“So, when Clary tore through your wards during the Body Swap Incident?” Alec asks, knowing they both hear the capital letters.

“I didn’t actually notice when she broke through the warding, being shoved back into my own body was already disorientating and I just assumed the pain was part of it.” 

“Why bother with tying yourself into the wards then, if it hurts so much?” Alec asks, bewildered, Magnus grins.

“I despair of your magical learning, Alexander.” Magnus exclaims, exasperated. “If I am injured, I heal better within warding that is tied to me. Besides that, I will sleep easier surrounded by wards that I’m tied into, and they will do their best to protect me should I be incapacitated.”

“Is that why you refused to stay over at the Institute?” Alec questions, thinking of all the times he’d asked Magnus to stay, only to find himself going to sleep in Magnus’ bed instead.

“No… yes… I-Kind of.” Magnus huffs, sinking down onto the couch and pulling Alec down with him. “Almost every night I have spent within an Institute has been one in which I thought I was going to die or one in which I thought I would _wish_ to die.” He explains, frowning when Alec tenses up. “Honestly, Alec, Simon’s the only Downworlder I can think of who would willingly stay the night in an Institu- oh, no, actually. Tessa… and Luna’s mad enough to do it, too, actually, now that I think about it.”

“Hmm, Simon I understand. But if the idea is so abhorrent to Downworlders, why would Tessa and Luna ever stay?” Simon let himself be imprisoned rather than leave the Institute when asked, Simon has exactly zero self-preservation skills so him Alec definitely understands.

“Well, Tessa married William Herrondale and they ran the London Institute together when he was still alive, raised a bunch of adorable kids who grew up to break their mother’s heart, the usual.” Magnus shrugs, when Alec frowns at him. “Tessa is still a little too trusting of Shadowhunters, but if anything ever happened to her, Brother Zachariah would probably go on a damn rampage. They were engaged to be married once, you see, before Zachariah became a Silent Brother to save his life. As for Luna? Well, you’ve met Luna.”

“Wait. Will Herrondale actually married a Downworlder? That’s not just a rumour?” Alec queries, wide eyed.

“Mhm, their wedding was so beautiful, even if it was a spin on the traditional Shadowhunter wedding.” Magnus murmurs, smiling at the memory. “I was pleased for her, even if we all knew she was setting herself up for heartbreak.”

“Why did everyone have such an issue with my dating you?” Alec exclaims, annoyed. “If the Clave were so willing to host a wedding of a Shadowhunter to a Downworlder, what did they have against us?”

“Oh.” Magnus laughs, patting Alec’s hand, Alec scowling at him. “My darling, you’re so naïve. Tessa was born to an unmarked Shadowhunter and a demon. She’s like Luna, she’s _different_. Neither of them are warlocks and neither of them are sterile. Tessa gave birth to little Shadowhunters who, yes, had some demonic blood within their veins, but in the end, they were more Nephilim than anything else. The Clave just conveniently forgot Tessa was a Downworlder, even your history paints her as an unmarked Shadowhunter who ‘disappeared’ when her beloved Will passed on.” Magnus scoffs, rolling his eyes. “As for us? First of all, I’m sterile, and second of all, we’re both men, Alexander, and we both know that your Clave needs more little soldiers to send off to die and we’re definitely not going to be providing any time soon.”

“That-that’s just-that’s just bullshit!” Alec snaps, his hands clenching into fists.

“Well, yes, but it’s not like this is news, Alec. We _both_ know the world is full of intolerance. If you let it get to you every time you’ll never get anything done.” Magnus points out, amused. “Anyway, come have a look why it’s unsafe for me or Luna to hold the islands’ wards.” He says, getting to his feet and pulling Alec along with him to the small sunroom out the back of the lodge. Alec looks up and feels his stomach drop right to the floor, his legs wobble and Magnus has to hold him up. “Beautiful, but deadly.” Magnus says of the water hovering precariously above them, held back by a domed ward, little cracks and tears in the dome repairing themselves as quickly as each appears, magic visibly sparking like lightning across the tears.

“Like you.” Alec answers, when he can finally tear his eyes away, the fear settling back down within him, not going away, but not consuming him.

“My darling, you flatter me.” Magnus tells him, an adoring smile on his face, though Alec can see just a sliver of doubt shining in Magnus’ eyes. He’s going to destroy Camille one day and anyone else who ever gave Magnus cause to doubt himself.

“It’s a fact, love, and you know it.” Alec retorts, grinning and stealing a kiss. “Now, please get me out of this room before we replace your ancient fear of the ocean with my fledgling one!” Magnus laughs and leads him back out to the living room and down onto the comfortable couch, snuggling in. “Why do you own an island that gets swallowed by the sea?” Alec asks, when they’re comfortable, Magnus’ eyes close as he flirts with sleep. It’s a valid question, Alec honestly can’t think of worst place to own if one is afraid of drowning.

“Hmm? Oh, I was given the island as a gift. The wards on this island are ancient, almost as old as Luna.” Magnus answers, rubbing his face against Alec’s chest and sighing. He doesn’t say more, and Alec decides to let it go, the both of them just enjoying the silence and lightly dozing until Magnus suddenly breaks the silence.

“Luna gives me hope.” Magnus says, out of nowhere, as if continuing a conversation Alec is sure they’ve never had and startling Alec out of his nap.

* * *

“What?” Alec asks, and Magnus can hear the genuine confusion in his voice.

“Luna gives me hope. She and Rolf have been married for longer than I’ve been alive. They were courting when Ancient Egypt was _just_ Kemet. They were married long before Rome began to stretch out into the world, and they had their children when Rome was just beginning to fall. Luna and Rolf, they give me hope, that we can be forever, like they are.” Magnus admits, slowly opening his eyes to look up at Alec. “They are a testament that true love cannot die.”

“You still fear that I’ll leave.” Alec murmurs, surprised, Magnus frowns, closing his eyes again and turning his head away.

“Logically, I’m pretty sure I’m stuck with you at this point, Alexander. But, in my heart? Yes, I’m afraid. I know you cannot die, but there are fates worse than death, and as an immortal, sometimes we can grow bored.” He mumbles, thinks of Camille, feels his heart breaking all over again at the memory of her betrayal, but she’d never really loved him, and that was a far greater betrayal, he’d thought the world of her, and she’d just thought him useful.

“Magnus, love, there is nothing about you that I’d consider _boring,_ and you’re right. You _are_ stuck with me… _unless you get bored of_ _me._ ” Alec says, whispering the last part, like he never meant to speak it, but he did and Magnus hears him.

“Oh, no, that’s never going to happen.” Magnus promises, with an amused smile. “It’s not every day a Lightwood makes out with a High Warlock in front of Clave representatives. There’s nothing boring about _that_.”  

“No, it’s just terrifying.”

“Well, I thought it was amazing, but that’s just me.” Magnus replies, smirking. “The only equivalent I can think of is making out in front of the Warlock High Council, and it just wouldn’t be the same.” He says, with a little sigh.

“Oh?”

“They’d probably ask to join.”

“Oh!” Alec says, then bursts into laughter alongside Magnus. “Wow. Wait… you were on the High Council, weren’t you?”

“Well, yes?”

“So…?” Alec asks, waggling his eyebrows, Magnus just grins.

“I love one soul at a time, my sweet.” He answers, though he knows at times that hasn’t been true.

“Yeah, but you can lust after more than one soul at a time.” Alec argues, not satisfied, Magnus huffs.

“I own multiple nightclubs around the globe, Alexander. I have been there and most definitely done _that._ Additionally, I _have_ loved more than one soul at a time, when said souls also loved each other.” He admits, rolling his eyes. “I think you’ll have a difficult time finding an immortal who _hasn’t_ participated in an orgy at least once in their life.”

“You’re kidding.” Alec exclaims, surprised. “Don’t you guys have anything else to do?”

“Well, no.” Magnus answers, honestly. “Why do you think we pick up jobs, Alec? After a point, there’s nothing else to do but have sex and get a job.”

“Okay, so I guess I won’t be unemployed for the rest of my life then?”

“Probably not, no. You could take a leaf out of Maze’s book and become a bounty hunter?”

“Hmm, maybe.” Alec replies, considering it, then he frowns and taps Magnus on the forehead. “Luna has never participated in an orgy in her life!” Alec suddenly argues, Magnus turns to hide his face in Alec’s chest while he falls into hysterical laughter. “Magnus!”

“Did you know there is such a thing as Sex Magic?” Magnus asks, when he can finally speak without laughing. “Luna is considered a master of that particular art.” He says, like he’s imparting a great secret.

“I do not believe you!” Alec retorts, laughing.

“Hand on my heart, it is the truth!” Magnus promises, giggling. “Luna was wild in her younger years, I’ve only heard stories.” He admits, pouting. Luna’s stories were always the best stories and Maze always took great joy in telling Magnus all about what his elder sisters had gotten up to in their youth.

“Oh my-“ Alec pauses, heaves a heavy sigh and just shakes his head. “I can’t believe-“

“Don’t let her fool you, Alexander. Sweet Moonbeam is one of the oldest of us, anything you can imagine, she has probably done.”  Magnus warns him, because he can’t imagine anything Luna probably hasn’t at least given a try.

“Is she a High Warlock?” Alec asks, drumming his fingers on Magnus’ back, Magnus lifts his head up to scowl at him, but Alec just grins, Magnus huffs and rests his cheek on Alec’s chest again, enjoys listening to the sound of Alec’s heart beating.

“Luna isn’t a Warlock and she’s not Fae, either. She was, however, once called the Pythia, more widely known as the Oracle of Delphi.”

“No way.”

“Mhm, of course, you saw her on the beach, Alexander. Luna is gifted with the Divine Sight, she can see that which has been, that which is, and that which will be. As she likes to say, Time was one of the Evils of the World released by Pandora.”

“I mean, I knew from how she spoke about the stele and what you said before that she was old, but I didn’t realize she was _ancient!”_ Alec mutters, wide eyed.

“Rolf is also ancient, most Fae you encounter outside the Realms are old, the young ones tend to be sheltered until they’re at least half a century old.”

“Meliorn-“

“Is actually a prince and welcome to come and go from the realms as he pleases as he is over two centuries old. The Seelie Queen is his… step-mother is the closest term that fits, but that’s not right, either?” Magnus explains with an annoyed little huff. “His mother died when he was a very young child, and the Seelie Queen was courting his father when he died, so she is essentially his only remaining parent.”

“But Meliorn was punished for letting Shadowhunters into the Realms and-“

“The normal punishment for such an offence is death.”

“Oh.”

“Funnily enough, Downworlders are normally free to come and go as they please, but the Realms were sealed away from this world for a reason.” Magnus admits, trailing his fingers over Alec’s deflect rune. “The Seelie Queen guards the entrance to the Fae Realms, all the Fae Realms. It is dangerous to allow Shadowhunters into the Seelie Queen’s domain, it could start a war.”

“So, the Seelie Queen isn’t the queen of all the fae?” Alec asks, raising an eyebrow. “Because, you know, everyone thinks she is _and_ she signed the Accords on behalf of the fae.”

“She is the queen of the Seelie fae, and if you’ll check the actual document, she signed on behalf of the ‘Seelie Court’. There is also an Unseelie Court and an Unseelie King but he doesn’t normally leave his realm. The Seelie Queen rules over the First Realm, the Unseelie King rules over the second, Jareth rules the third, the Erlkonig rules the fourth, Thranduil rules the fifth, Lurline rules the sixth, and Nuada rules the seventh, beyond that is the Free Fae Realm where Mab, Titania, and Oberon hold court.” Magnus explains, patiently.

“That’s- are you supposed to be telling me any of this?” Alec questions, Magnus pauses, considering Alec’s question carefully and formulating his response.

“You… gave up a prestigious place within the Clave to hook up with a Downworlder. You gave up your world for _mine,_ so I’m introducing you to it, giving you the information that you’ll need to get by in _our_ world.” Magnus explains, pushing himself up so he’s straddling Alec, allowing him to look into his Nephilim’s eyes. “You’re not a Shadowhunter anymore, can’t be. In a few thousand years, you’ll become a Greater Demon, I don’t think you’ve figured that out yet, but that’s what happens when you lose your mortality.”

“I don’t… what?” Alec stutters, staring up at Magnus with horrified eyes.

“I said once that only Lilith had ever been cursed in such a way, but Maze told me I was wrong. It’s what happened to all the Greater Demons who didn’t begin life as angels. Lilith, Eve, Adam, Pandora, Hecate, Persephone and all the others, they all began lives as mortals and all were cursed.” Magnus answers, each word more reluctant than the next. “Lilith for refusing to bow to Adam, Eve for eating the Forbidden Fruit and convincing Adam to do the same, Adam for eating the Forbidden Fruit, Pandora for opening the box, Hecate for dabbling in magics beyond her years, and Persephone for forsaking her mother’s warnings and falling in love with a Fallen Angel. They were all cursed and over time, they became Greater Demons, not as powerful as the Fallen Angels, but more powerful than normal demons.”

“I can’t become a demon.” Alec whispers, sounding far away, he sits up, Magnus quickly moving out of his lap, allowing Alec to climb to his feet and start pacing the length of the room, mumbling under his breath so quietly Magnus can’t hear him.

“I-I could talk to my father or maybe Lucifer? See if they can-if they’ll remove the curse?” Magnus offers, watching Alec with worry shining in his eyes. He wants to live forever with Alec, but he wants Alec to be happy, never wants Alec to ever resent him or the life they live, so he would do anything, give anything to undo what Alec did.

“It was done in a demon deal, Magnus, with a Greater Demon, it’s never going to be undone.” Alec states, stopping to frown at him. “If I- _when_ I become a Greater Demon, the Clave will come for us.”

“Let them, if they get you, you’ll just be banished down to hell, I know plenty of summoning spells and I’m not opposed to seeking you out in hell myself. You can’t die, Alexander, you have no mortality.” Magnus points out, utterly bewildered as to why Alec cares whether the Clave comes for them or not.

“ _But they could kill_ _you!”_ Alec snaps, crossing his arms over his chest. “They could kill you and I’d have no way of bringing you back.”

“I truly would love to see them try.” Magnus responds, amused, he’s survived his fair share of Shadowhunters, and he will continue to do so, with or without Alec’s assistance. “Besides, one day, you’ll be a Greater Demon, I wouldn’t recommend it, but at that time, you’ll have the power to bring me back to life. Rituals as old as demons themselves, you and I both know that it is possible. So, don’t worry.”

“But you won’t come back as you are now, even Jace is… different.” Alec argues, Magnus shrugs his shoulders.

“Hence why I wouldn’t recommend it, but if the worst should happen, you have to know that I’d prefer to be with you than spend the rest of my afterlife in heaven or reliving my worst memory.” Magnus assures him, getting to his feet and coming to stand in front of Alec. “I love you, eternally. You can’t think I’ll ever let some Shadowhunter take me away from you? If it comes to it, I’ll make a deal with my father, as you did.” Magnus explains, reaching out to caress Alec’s cheek, a small smile on his face. “I told you I would do my best to stay with you, and I mean that. We’re probably growing creepily co-dependent on each other, but I don’t care.”

“It’ll be worse when we bond.” Alec promises, smiling, his shoulders relaxing, the tension bleeding out of him. “Jace and I took months to stop stalking each other when our bond settled.”

“You basically smashed your souls together, I’m really not surprised.” Magnus answers, grinning. “Besides, that’s just going to give us an excuse to stay in bed.” Magnus says, waggling eyebrows, Alec laughs.

“Well, we’ll be on our honeymoon, how much more of an excuse do you need?”

“Touché.”

“And you can finally introduce me to sex magic!” Alec tells him, a smug grin on his face, Magnus hums.

“I’ll introduce you to sex magic right now.” He argues, deciding to take Alec’s mind off the revelation about what he will one day become and what it means for them. “There’s a powerful, magical storm breaking against the island as we talk, perfect conditions for sex magic. I’m going to blow your mind.” Magnus declares, pulling Alec into a deep kiss. “I’m considered a master of the art, myself.” He whispers into Alec’s ear, before sauntering past him, towards their bedroom. Alec throws his head back in laughter, before eagerly following after his lover.

The storm is long over by the time they next leave their bedroom.

* * *

 

_I won't die alone and be left there._   
_Well I guess I'll just go home,_   
_Oh God knows where._   
_Because death is just so full and man so small._   
_Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before._

_And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears._  
 _And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears._  
 _Get over your hill and see what you find there,_  
 _With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair._  
~After the Storm, Mumford and Sons


	5. You Are the Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which someone is poisoned and some history is revealed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Raphael is super good at derailing all my plans. This chapter was going to be something totally different and Raphael wasn't going to be in it at all but...
> 
> Chapter warning: Bloody vomit...

_Shadows all around you as you surface from the dark,_  
_Emerging from the gentle grip of night's unfolding arms._  
_Darkness, darkness everywhere, do you feel all alone?_  
_The subtle grace of gravity, the heavy weight of stone._  
  
_You don't see what you possess, a beauty calm and clear,_  
_It floods the sky and blurs the darkness like a chandelier._  
~You Are the Moon, The Hush Sound

* * *

 

Magnus wakes with a small groan, his head pounding, an alarm sounding over and over and over again in the back of his mind as he rolls out of bed, sluggishly throwing on clothing, unable to concentrate enough to dress with magic. He is just buttoning up his shirt and getting ready to inspect the warding on the island when he realizes what exactly the alarm is and quickly portals away to the loft, leaving a hastily scribbled note for Alec.

Stepping out of the portal, red magic crackling at the tips of his fingers, he is ready for anything. Anything except what he finds waiting for him.

Raphael, in his true visage of a fifteen-year-old, sprawled on the floor in a pool of his own bloody vomit. Magnus will never remember the scream that tears from his throat as he all but throws himself across the room, falling to his knees at Raphael’s side, blue magic already dancing at his fingertips. The moment he touches Raphael, the vampire moans and rolls away, only to throw up a stream of blood, flinching when Magnus’ hands gently rest on his shoulders.

“It’s just me, darling. It’s just papa.” Magnus soothes, as Raphael’s entire body trembles, but he doesn’t throw up again. Magnus clears the vomit away with a wave of his hand.

“Papa.” Raphael mumbles, his voice so small and young.

“Yes, my darling boy.” Magnus murmurs, running his hands through Raphael’s hair when Raphael rests his head in Magnus’ lap. “What happened?” Magnus asks, frowning at the heat he feels radiating from Raphael, he rests his hand on Raphael’s forehead, his magic cold and soothing, Raphael moans and leans into the touch.

“You remember that time I bit you?” Raphael asks, Magnus snorts, of course he remembers, it’s how he met the young man after all.

“How ever could I forget?” Magnus asks, amused, though his amusement is very short lived.

“I got jumped outside my apartment by a warlock, she was muttering about my heart?” Raphael says, his face scrunching up in confusion. “She broke the glamour and I couldn’t change my form, so when I was close enough to her, I tore out her throat.”  

“Ah.” Magnus exclaims, nodding his head. “You don’t know what she wanted?” He asks, frowning. “The heart of a vampire is used in the darkest arts, Raphael.”  

“No, I think she was just mad, papa. Her skin was all veiny, like how Dot said her skin became when Valentine had her on those injections.” Raphael answers, before he rolls away from Magnus, who just manages to conjure a bucket into Raphael’s hands before Raphael’s once again throwing up. “I hate warlocks.” Raphael groans, with a full body shudder.

“You do not.” Magnus argues, grinning as he rubs Raphael’s back. “You love me and Dot dotes on you, and Cat thinks you’re adorable and-“

“Okay, okay. I hate psychotic warlocks.” Raphael corrects, rolling his eyes, but he can’t fight the amusement in his voice. He sighs and settles back into Magnus’ lap, the bucket held tightly in his hand, away from them both.

“Everyone hates psychotic warlocks. It’s just smart.” Magnus replies, shrugging his shoulders. “Now, I’m going to bring you back to the Island with me, because my darling will probably be wondering where I’ve gotten to soon, and you’re not fit to be on your own.”

“I am a grown-“

“Yes, yes, you’re a big strong vampire, leader of your own clan, beloved by your people, blah, blah blah.” Magnus mocks, and now it is his turn to roll his eyes. “But you’re also currently poisoned. Do you expect me to just leave you here?”

“Fine.” Raphael grumbles, pouting. Magnus grins and forms a portal, pulling it towards them. They land on the couch in the living room of the lodge, and Raphael immediately rolls, throwing up in the bucket and nearly falling from the couch, but for Magnus’ strong arms grabbing him.

“Easy, easy.” Magnus soothes, supporting Raphael with one arm and rubbing his back with the other as Raphael throws up repeatedly. “My sweet boy.”

* * *

Eventually Raphael stops vomiting, his whole body shaking, he puts the bucket down gently and rolls over, hiding his face in his papa’ stomach and crying, his arms coming up to clench in his papa’s shirt.

“I hate magic.” He stutters out, his voice barely audible, papa hushes him, gently rubbing his back. Raphael hasn’t felt this horrible since he was fifteen and had just bitten the man who was to change his whole life.

_“So hungry, so, so hungry.” he mumbles to himself, the mantra that has taken over his thoughts, his whole life. It is all he can think about, he’s so hungry. But so scared, too. All his friends, dead, so many others dead, because of him, because he’s so, so, so hungry._

_He’d gone to see Rosa, just the once and he’d left so quickly upon seeing her, the blood in her veins calling to him, a song so sweet, so tempting. Was that a week ago? A month? He’s been so hungry for so long._

_“Hello?” a voice startles him, as so many things startle him these days, the cars on the road, the children who scream so, so loudly when they play, the dogs that bark late in the night. He startles and slips back into the shadows, tries to swallow down the hunger, but it is so powerful, so hard to push away. “I won’t hurt you.”_

_He watches as the figure draws closer, they’re young, older than him, but not by much, and they won’t ever grow older, like he won’t. He watches the figure, his eyes alight with hunger and madness and anticipation as the figure draws ever closer, taking slow steps towards their end, it’s exciting and terrifying, and he’s so **hungry.**_

_He moves before he even has conscious thought of it, arms wrapping around the figure and his fangs sinking into the warm, smooth skin at their neck…_

**_Pain._ **

_He screams, throwing himself away from the figure, almost tearing their throat out in his haste to be away. He stumbles backwards, doubling over and is sick like he has never, ever been sick before, not even when he was little and the fever tried so hard to take him._

_There’s so much blood, and it hurts, he feels like he’s on fire. He groans and sobs and he can’t stop throwing up, bloody tears streaming down his face to join with the blood he can’t stop bringing up. He’s going to die._

_“It’s okay.” That voice says, Raphael jumps, yelling when he feels a warm and gentle hand settle on his shoulder, but he doesn’t pull away. “It’s okay, it’s alright.” There’s a flash of light and suddenly the pain is lessened, not gone completely, but bearable, yet the blood he’d rather keep inside, is still coming up. “My, you have been busy, haven’t you?” the voice asks, before they sigh heavily. Raphael whines, and the voice shushes him. “Shh, it’s alright. It’ll pass, eventually it will pass. My blood is toxic to vampires” Raphael flinches at the word, the word he hasn’t acknowledged for himself yet, even days, weeks, months? Since he clawed his way out of the ground. “Come with me, I can help you.”_

_“Help?”_

_“Yes, once your body has expelled the toxin, I can teach you to control your hunger.” The voice promises, Raphael is so, so wary, but he wants to see Rosa, he wants to see his little sister again without wanting to kill her, too._

_“Promise?”_

_“I promise.” The voice swears, Raphael stares at them through blurry, bloody eyes, but the man is confident, and his heart beat is steady, it doesn’t change the way Raphael has been learning hearts do when people lie._

_“Okay.” Raphael mumbles, closing his eyes and groaning. “Okay, fine.”_

_“What’s your name?”_

_“Raphael.” He slurs, his mind becoming foggy._

_“My uncle’s name is Raphael.” The voice tells him, amused. “I’m Magnus.” It’s the last thing Raphael hears as he plunges forward into darkness._

* * *

Magnus sighs when Raphael’s hold on his shirt loosens and his son’s breathing stops, it’s something he’s always hated. Raphael consciously breathes when he’s awake, but the moment he falls to sleep, his body remembers that oxygen is a thing it has no need of, so it stops. It had taken Raphael so long to learn that when he was younger and trying to trick Magnus into believing he was sleeping.

It’s been years since Magnus has seen Raphael’s true face, the soft but sharpening features of a boy on the cusp of becoming a man. His glamour is really not all that different, Ragnor and Cat simply made him appear as he would have if he’d been able to grow into adulthood.

“Magnus?” he hums in answer to the voice and looks up, finds Alec leaning against the doorway into the hall, his Nephilim watching him with confused eyes, but Magnus smiles at the sight of him. “Who is that?”

“Raphael.” Magnus answers, quietly, gently running his fingers through his son’s hair. “He had a run in with another warlock.”

“Oh, is he alright?” Alec asks, stepping closer, his confusion morphing into concern, Magnus heart swells with love at the sight.

“He’ll be fine. Warlock blood is toxic to vampires.” He explains with a heavy sigh. “He had to bite her to protect himself and get away, but he’s paying for it.”

“I thought that was a myth? That blood reacts with vampires in different ways depending on the source.” Alec replies, wide eyed, sitting himself down on the armrest.

“No. Mundane and animal blood is just... food for vampires, Shadowhunter blood is a drug, plasma from Mundanes is like alcohol, werewolf blood is apparently like dirt, Fae blood is like the greatest sugar high with the fastest crash, and warlock blood is toxic.” Magnus explains, with a heavy sigh. “I’m… actually relieved it was a warlock that attacked him, because if it was a Shadowhunter…” he says, deliberately trailing off into silence. If the Shadowhunters get it into their thick heads to attack his son again, he’s not going to be so lenient as he was with Aldertree. His Alec is out the line of fire, and so are Jace and Clary, Shadowhunters are so keen to burn away all those with sin, hellfire serves the purpose better than any other.

“I know.” Alec answers, understanding exactly what Magnus is leaving unsaid. “He’ll be okay?”

“Mhmm, he’s just going to have to wait it out.”

* * *

_Gentle hands press a cold flannel against his forehead and he groans, leans into the coolness. He hasn’t been this sick in a long time, doesn't think he's ever been this sick._

_“Once you get over this, I’ll teach you how to control yourself. You’ll never live a normal life again, but if you can learn control, you can make whatever you want out of your life.” A vaguely familiar voice tells him and he thinks of Rosa. Thinks of being able to go near her again, to speak with her, see her and not want to bleed her dry._

_“Rosa.” He mumbles, and the figure beside him pauses._

_“I don’t know who Rosa is, but if she’s a reason for you to pull through, then you will.”_

* * *

“Papa?” Magnus pauses in his brewing, casts stasis charms around his cauldron and goes to check on his son, finds him sitting up on the couch, shaking.

“You’re still on bedrest, mister.” Magnus tells him, frowning, debating with himself the merits of pushing Raphael back down against the cushions. “You need to rest, Raph.”

“I’m okay.” Raphael mumbles, swiping hair out of his face. “I don’t think I swallowed as much of her blood as I did yours.”

“Good, but you’re still going to be out of sorts for at least today.” Magnus says, fussing at him, pressing a hand to his forehead and checking his eyes for the too-bright glow of magical fever, and contemplating the hundreds of potions he could force on Raphael right now to get him back on his feet faster.

“I know.” Raphael replies, amused. “Papa, I’m just sitting up, it’s not like I’m going out to fight.”

“No, no, I guess you’re right. You just scared me.” Magnus finally admits, sinking down onto the couch beside Raphael, and smiling when Raphael snuggles into his side.

“Papa?”

“I stepped out of the portal and you were just lying there in a pool of blood and I thought-“ Magnus shrugs his shoulders, doesn’t know what he’d thought, knew Raphael was alive because there’d have been nothing left of him but ash if he’d been anything but, yet Magnus’ heart had still skipped a beat or three, and he’d been so terrified. “I thought you were dying.”

“Oh.” Raphael whispers, taken by surprise. “No. I’d never call for you just to watch me die, papa, never and I do my best all the time to survive, to keep out of trouble. I know recently I’ve not been very good at it, but I’m trying.” Suddenly Magnus is reminded of his conversations with Alec, the annoying constant of being immortal or quasi-immortal at the very least. Except, Raphael doesn’t have a soul, if he dies, that’s it, he’s gone, just like Maze, if she is ever taken from him. His sister and his son, just gone, never to return, not even were he to journey to the deepest depths of hell or scale the highest peaks of heaven.  

“I know, I know you try not to get yourself killed, Raphael, and I truly appreciate it, but I was just scared. Things are tense in the Shadow World now, I just worry. You’re my only child.” Magnus points out, reluctantly. “I’m trying not to be a mother hen, but-“

“I heard you and the Shadowhunter were planning on giving me siblings?” Raphael asks, with a grin, cutting Magnus off, Magnus narrows his eyes.

“Who told you that?”

“Aunt Luna.” Raphael answers without missing a beat. “She and uncle Rolf dropped in a few days ago.”

“She’s getting to be as bad as Jareth.” Magnus says, scowling. “Alec and I are not ready for children.”

“Is anyone ever? My understanding of parenthood, is that you get nine months give or take, to figure your shit out, just to realize when the time comes that you have absolutely none of your shit figured out and then you have 18+ years of freaking out and being solely responsible for keeping this stupid, naïve bundle of blood and flesh and bone alive, and then they move out _eventually_ and you’re supposed to figure out what to do with yourself now that like 90% of your entire life’s purpose is off doing its own thing. None of that sounds like anyone could ever possibly be ready.” Raphael states, Magnus laughs and nods his head.

“Yeah, sounds about right. I wasn’t even ready for you, and you were pretty much already raised when I got you.” Magnus acquiesces, sighing.

“I dunno, I lived in your house for fifteen almost sixteen years, you raised me for just as long as my bio-parents did.” Raphael answers, shrugging his shoulders.

“It took you four years before you called me Papa.” Magnus argues, amused, Raphael snorts.

“To your face, and it was three years, anyway. If it wasn’t for that psycho ex of yours, I wouldn’t have called you papa even then.” Raphael retorts, shaking his head. “I’ve called you papa in my head since about five months after you took me in!”

“Are you two arguing?” Alec’s beautiful voice calls, as he comes in from the beach, he frowns at the both of them, then stares at Raphael with a confused look on his face, obviously taken back at seeing Raphael's true visage, as Raphael's face had been hidden in Magnus's shirt before.

“Raphael and I are not arguing, we are merely conversing at a slightly louder volume than normal.” Magnus answers without skipping a beat, then he smirks.

“I’m sure I believe you.” Alec replies, heading to the kitchen, obviously in search of food. “Like the new face, Raphael.”

“Uhm, thanks?” Raphael replies, looking at Magnus with a raised eyebrow, Magnus snorts.

“Your glamour won’t come back for another few weeks, sweetling. You’re going to be a bright eyed fifteen-year-old for a little while.” He explains, grinning, laughing when Raphael starts grumbling.

“Okay, but now I’m seriously trying to imagine you denying him anything with those puppy dog eyes.” Alec says, coming to sit down across from them, munching on a bar of chocolate, Magnus eyes the chocolate with a longing look, but his darling just smirks at him and Magnus pouts.

“Are you saying I couldn’t be a strict parent?” He asks, his mind finally catching up with what Alec said, and is rightfully indignant.

“I can’t see it.” Alec replies, Raphael starts laughing. “I’m going to be the hated parent, aren’t I?” Alec whines, Magnus scowls.

“Excuse me, I was High Warlock of Brooklyn for at least a century and you think I can’t be strict? Warlocks are a bunch of overgrown children, Alexander, honestly. They fight over _everything._ ” He argues, waving his hand towards Alec, blue magic licking at his fingers as Alec’s chocolate bar wrenches itself out of Alec’s hands and soars across to Magnus.

“Cheater.”

“You know I have a bit of a sweet tooth.” Magnus replies, smugly, happily munching on his commandeered chocolate bar, while Raphael looks on with sad eyes. “I’ll make you some later.” Magnus promises, doing nothing to disprove Alec’s accusation.

“You’re just a giant teddy bear.” Alec bemoans, throwing his hands up in despair when Raphael shoots him a smug grin.

“He’s sick!” Magnus exclaims, defensive. “I’m allowed to spoil him when he’s sick!”

“He’s a grown adult!”

“Am I, Lightwood?” Raphael asks, making himself look as innocent and young as he possibly can, not difficult with his very fifteen-year-old looking face. “Papa, I don’t feel so good.” He whines, snuggling into Magnus, who knows it’s most definitely an act but plays along anyway.

“Aww, poor baby.” Magnus coos, rocking him, Alec just sighs.

“You’re going to be the favourite parent.” He says, resigned.

“My darling, was there ever any doubt?”

* * *

_“I want to go see Rosa.” He says, suddenly out of nowhere, knowing already that it is a horrible idea._

_“No.” His papa states, without skipping a beat, but it is not what Raphael wants to hear._

_“Magnus!” he snaps, getting ready to argue, but his papa is ever five steps ahead of him._

_“You made me swear on my magic that I would lock you in this house if you tried to go see her again! You’ve said goodbye to her, Raphael. You can see her from afar, but you made the decision that she would never know of the Downworld, that was your choice.” His papa tells him, there isn’t accusation in his voice, just exhaustion, his mother had sounded like that a lot, too. ‘Santiago children are stubborn and wild and may the Lord give me the strength to raise them right.’ He’d often heard her mutter under her breath, when she thought he and his younger siblings were busy getting up to mischief._

_“Okay.” He whispers, shoulders slumping as he thinks of his mother, of his father, of Rosa and his younger brothers. He’d said goodbye to all of them and walked away, what right did he have to go back now? They were a good, Godfearing family and he was a devil, he was sin incarnate, what right did he have to bring his darkness into their home._

_“Stop it.” His papa hisses at him, and Raphael stares at him with wide, surprised eyes. “You’re not a demon, you’re not a monster, you’re not a devil, you’re not a freak.” His papa tells him, such fire in his suddenly golden eyes. “What is your name? Say it.”_

_“Raphael Santiago.” Raphael answers, immediately, uncertain what his papa is doing, but trusting him like always._

_“Your name is a holy name. God Heals. If you were truly despicable you wouldn’t be able to say your own name.” his papa explains, Raphael pauses, his mind quiet for just a second before his thoughts begin to rush, because his papa is right. He was named for an Angel of the Lord, an Archangel, one of the most holy. God Heals. His name was holy, contained the name of God Himself and he said it without issue._

_“Then why can’t I say G-“ he chokes and looks away._

_“Because you believe you are unworthy.” His papa answers, sounding so very sad. “But you aren’t, you never were. My uncle Raphael’s a bit of an arsehole, but he’d be proud that you carry his name.” his papa promises, and Raphael laughs, thinks it might sound hysteric but he’s sure no one can blame him because he_ knows _who his papa means now when he talks of his uncle Raphael, and his uncle Gabriel, who drops in at the most awkward times to make some snarky comment and then disappear off into the aether for another few months._

_“I’m a vampire.”_

_“Yes, and I’m the bastard son of a Demon King, what’s your point? Did you know that Grandfather has never given humans commands, besides Adam, Eve, and Lilith?” his papa asks him, sounding so, so casual, but his words make Raphael’s mind hurt, like always. His papa is too smart for either of their own goods._

_“The Bible-“_

_“Was written by men. My Grandfather gave humans free will, why would he then make demands of us all? You are a good person, Raphael Santiago. A good, Godfearing boy who endured a tragic and traumatic event. If my Grandfather is worthy of our love, he will not hold any of this against you." his papa entreats, so sincere and Raphael has to believe him, no matter how much his traitorous mind screams at him that his papa is lying. "Now, stop trying to make me angry and let’s go make some chocolate.”_

_"Yes!" Raphael exclaims, excited. Before becoming a vampire, he'd never thought he'd be so happy at the prospect of chocolate with blood in it, but then, he'd never thought he'd become a vampire either. "Why is there even a blood chocolate anyway?"_

_"That is a question for the Italians, sweetling, just be grateful they made it in the first place."_

_"Right." Raphael agrees, hurrying after his papa to spend the rest of the evening making chocolate._

* * *

_All the light that you possess is skewed by lakes and seas,  
_The shattered surface, so imperfect, is all that you believe.__

_I will bring a mirror, so silver, so exact,_  
_So precise and so pristine, a perfect pane of glass._  
_I will set the mirror up to face the blackened sky,_  
_You will see your beauty every moment that you rise._  
~You Are the Moon, The Hush Sound

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Legitimately just learned that there is actually a chocolate with pigs blood in it. Sanguinaccio Dolce. Of course, the one Magnus makes has human blood in it...


	6. Morning Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus finally figures out how to let the past go, Alec thinks his fiance may be losing his damn mind...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER: IMPLIED/DISCUSSED SUICIDE
> 
> I don't want to make any promises, but I THINK the next chapter will be the wedding, if my muse doesn't suddenly change their mind... again.
> 
> Also, oh my god, murder me. We're moving to Windows 10 at work in a few weeks and I'm the designated 'IT' person in my team by virtue of being the youngest person on my team. I'm screaming. I had to explain what a browser was the other day, because we're finally going to upgrade from Internet Explorer when we go live with the update, and I can't...

_Last night I crawled into bed,_  
_With the darkest thoughts in my head._  
_Could not find peace of mind,_  
_The night was so long and so unkind._

 _Last night I crawled into bed,_  
_With the darkest thoughts in my head._  
_Sometimes my clouded mind holds me down,_  
_But it's not who I am, it's not who I am._  
~Morning Song, Eivor

* * *

 

“We should get married.” Magnus says, out of the blue one night, surprising even himself, a few days after Raphael started living on the island.

“That’s generally what engaged people do.” Alec answers, turning the page in the book he’s reading without looking up.

“Yes, but we should get married.” Magnus pushes, even though he’s still sure they’re not ready for that.

“What? Now?” Alec asks, finally looking up, frowning.

“We could, but I was more thinking like… next week?”

“Darling, you’re the one who keeps telling me you’re not ready. I would marry you right now if that’s what you wanted. Why do you suddenly want to get married?” Alec questions, putting the book down and getting to his feet, crossing to stand in front of his lover. “What’s happened?”

“Nothing.” Magnus answers, sighing heavily and shaking his head. “I just want-“ to be yours. To be the other half of you in truth. To be bound to you, heart, soul, and mind. To know intimately that you love me more than life itself.  “I just-I love you.”

“I know and I love you, too. If you want to get married next week, I’ll be there, I’m ready. Are you?” Alec asks and Magnus doesn’t know how to answer. _Is_ he ready? Or is he trying to move thongs too quickly?

“I don’t know.” He finally answers, because it is the truth. “I just-I don’t feel _engaged.”_ He says and doesn’t know how to take the confused frown that settles on Alec’s features.

“How do you think you should feel?” Alec queries, his tone completely bewildered and Magnus gets it, he does, because he sounds a little like a mad man. Getting married won’t fix the way he feels.

“I don’t know.” Magnus mumbles, but that’s a lie this time, because he’s been engaged before, knows exactly how he should feel. Happy, in love, nervous, excited, a multitude of other emotions that he just doesn’t feel. “I just feel empty.” He says, but that, too, is a lie, for lack of a better explanation, a better word to describe the indescribable feeling that persists. The unpredictable up and down of his emotions, the tightness in his chest that comes at the oddest of times and leaves just as quickly, the fear that clouds his mind and his heart when nothing is wrong.

“And you don’t think that has anything to do with your depression?” Alec poses and Magnus stops, pauses in place and a frown forms on his face because Alec is right. His emotions have been all over the place since before they even came to the Island, since before Alec had even proposed.

He’d genuinely been concerned when he’d learned Raphael was hurt, and even when he and Raphael both agreed that the vampire was fine, Magnus was still having to stamp down on his concern. But so many of his other emotions feel like they’re a fake approximation of the true emotion, except the day Alec convinced him to go into the ocean.

He’d been truly excited and overjoyed when he’d faced his fear, and he’d enjoyed his time in the water, and especially the sex-magic that came after, but he knows, as he knew then, that the next time he goes near the water, he’ll freeze up before he gets close, because that’s what it’s like. That’s what it was like the entire time he lived on the Island centuries ago. Nearly every time he went near the water, he’d tense up and backtrack to the lodge, just a hut then, as quickly as he could, the sound of Moana yelling his name sounding in his years. So, he knows, as big a step as it was, it didn’t solve anything and when the glow from the sex-magic had faded, and he’d woken, that stupid, empty feeling had crept back in.

Everything else, he feels like he’s just been pasting a smile on his face and going on with life. He feels like an imposter, like he’s no longer Magnus Bane, like he is no longer who he once was and he doesn’t know how to shake it. He’d stupidly decided it was something wrong with them, with his love for Alec and had decided that getting married as quickly as possible would solve whatever problem exists, but it’s not that. He loves Alec, knows it by the fluttering of his heart whenever he thinks of his lover, whenever he sees him, whenever he’s near him. He’s an idiot.

He looks at Alec and thinks of the ones who have come before him, the two people Magnus loved so much he had been willing to plan the rest of his life with them.

First there’d been Moana, his ocean goddess, his first love, and the first to ever break his heart. She’d had centuries on him, but he loved her so much it is still a physical ache in his chest. He was nineteen when he met her, an accident with his experimental portals had thrown him into the middle of the ocean and she’d come to his rescue, scooping him up into her boat and nursing him back to health. He’d fallen, deeply and stupidly, madly in love with her from the moment he’d woken up to her singing softly to him in a language he didn’t understand, and she’d indulged him. He was twenty-four when they entered an ‘understanding’ that they would be married when the time was right.

He was twenty-five when a group of Shadowhunters murdered her younger brother and took his mark as spoils, and she gave her life to her revenge, gave every last drop of her magic to destroying the Institute they’d only just set up near Karakorum, itself a city only just beginning to rise. She tore the Institute apart to its very foundations, killing all who were inside and when the last stone fell, she crumpled, falling into Magnus arms, and smiling at him as her life fled her body. At that moment, he’d felt the wards of their Island shift, adjust to the loss of their keeper, and he’d _hurt_.

When he’d buried her, deep in the forest, he’d tried to crawl into the grave with her, it was Luna who picked him up, stitched all of his broken little pieces back together and taught him how to live again and through her he met his second love.

Lysander.

Lysander was Adonis come alive, the most beautiful man Magnus had ever seen, but he was not ready to love again. He closed himself off, withdrew, but Lysander pursued him relentlessly, always respecting his personal space and never crowding him, but it was no secret that he wanted Magnus and after five years, Magnus gave in to both of their desires. But he made Lysander fight for every second of their relationship, and for the twenty years they were together, Lysander proposed five different times until Magnus gracefully relented, not that it was truly a hardship for either of them. Then, one day months before their wedding, they woke up together and realized the spark had died. They loved each other, but no longer did they wish to spend forever with each other, and together they informed their loved ones of their decision. They parted as the best of friends.

There’d been many lovers after that, many had proposed to him and yet he never accepted, but he thinks now, as deep down he knew back then, that if Camille had asked, he’d have jumped right in. Fool that he was. But perhaps not, for all that he’d confessed True Love cannot die, he’d never even considered marrying her.

Now there’s Alexander, his beautiful, wonderful, amazing Nephilim. The man who has given up his whole world, a successful career, a bright future, his mortality to be with him. It’s breath taking and amazing and so, so mad. He takes a deep breath in and looks at his lover, who is frowning at him, and Magnus only sees himself, all those years ago, so in love with Moana it had consumed him. She had become his everything. He understands now, totally and utterly understands how Alec had found the will to endure the Hellfire and the heat of Edom to deal with his father, he understands how Alec had given up what he thought he wanted for his future for Magnus, because Magnus had been willing to do the same for Moana.

He’d hated the ocean, absolutely hated the water, hated living on the Island, but he’d loved Moana so much that he’d go and sit on the edge of the shoreline, just out of reach of the water and watch as she would play in the waves. He’d go and lie with her, under the beautiful night sky, on the too scratchy and invasive sand and listen to her tell him all about the stars and their story. He’d go out and sit on the sand and just listen to her sing in a language he was just learning to comprehend, mesmerized by her beauty and her voice and the way the ocean embraced her like a beloved child. He spent so much time trailing along behind her, using his magic in conjunction with her own to ensure the Island thrived, that his experimentation with the portals was all but thrown to the side, a task given five minutes a day, where before it had consumed him.

“I love you so much.” Magnus whispers, blinking away the memories, smiling at Alec. “I do. I love you more than life itself, Alexander and I promise I will do everything that I can to never leave you, ever.” He swears, his breath hitching in remembered pain as he thinks of how hurt he’d been when Moana had all but thrown her life away. He understands where she was coming from, too, but knowing now, exactly how much he means to Alec, because once upon a time, he was Alec, and Moana had been him, he knows the power he now wields. He could destroy his Alexander, without even trying. The thought suddenly brings up a memory of something Luna had told him years and years and years ago, before Alec was even a blip on the radar. The memory had always been fuzzy, but now he can recall it clear as day.

* * *

_“I ‘ope you ‘scape the Darkest Timeline.” Luna slurs, waving the bottle of moonshine at him, and swallowing down what he thinks was probably the drink trying to come back up._

_“What?” he asks, his mind foggy, and slow to understand._

_“He kills you, you know? Traps a dangerous man in the body of one of the most powerful warlocks walking the earth.” She says, a demented smile on her face and Magus finally notices the eerie white of her eyes as she sways back and forward. “All your power at his fingertips. A man who hates us all, wants us all dead, every last one, with the magic of Edom flowing through his veins.” She giggles, wipes dribble from her chin. “He kills you, the light of his life and he never recovers.” She mumbles, shaking her head, her words so slurred together as to be almost incomprehensible._

_“Who? What?” Magnus questions, shaking his head, trying to shake the fog from his mind, tries to think, to understand what she is telling him, but he can’t, it doesn’t many any sense._

_“The Defender of Men.” She laughs, a cold, vicious laugh, not at all like his Luna. “He killsyou, and when it finally sets into his silly little brain that he murdered the only love of his life, he slits his own throat. The darkest path and I pray you survive.”_

_“Who, Luna? Tell me?!” Magnus yells, but the white fades from Luna’s eyes and she slumps to the ground, lost to the world of intoxicated slumber._

* * *

“Thank Lilith.” Magnus whispers, blinking away the memory, a hysteric little laugh bubbling up in his chest, he pulls Alec to him and presses a desperate kiss to his lips, Alec capitulates almost immediately. “I love you so much, thank you for not taking us down the darkest path.” Magnus mumbles, when he pulls away.

“What?”

“Its… uhm… prophesy.” Magnus says, shaking his head and waving his hands dismissively. “Never mind, it doesn’t matter, remind me to send Jace a gift basket… or a car. Do you think Jace would like a car?”

“What?”

“No, his own nightclub- no because Lucifer would probably murder him for the competition. Uhm, I’ll think of something.” Magnus mutters to himself, missing the perplexed look Alec gives him.

“I love you, but you’re making absolutely no sense.” Alec informs him, Magnus laughs, and pulls him into another kiss.

“I know. Let’s get married.” Magnus says, truly, desperately meaning it this time, needing it. Feeling for the first time that the time is right, that the stars are aligned, that all the signs point towards this. He doesn’t know what’s shifted, but he wants it.

“Magnus!”

* * *

For some reason, it helps Magnus to know that a timeline exists where Alec helps to kill him and that it is not _their_ timeline. It helps him finally accept and move on from the fear that he’d been ignoring, shoving deep, deep down whenever the memory tried to rise. Somehow knowing it was destiny and an important turning point for their fate and everyone else's helps him put it to bed. It doesn’t stop the nightmares, but he’s learned that nothing will.

In his nightmares, he dreams of the alternate timeline, Alec and Imogen kill him, Valentine murders Jace as without his body, Imogen no longer has anything he wants. He watches as Valentine tears his way through the Shadow World, putting Magnus magic to the task of eradicating all Downworlders. Alec falls apart, refuses to eat, refuses to train, eventually refuses to even speak and one particularly dark night, Magnus dreams of his lover slitting his own throat.

* * *

_“Alexander, Alexander, please, please stop.” Magnus pleads, reaching out to his lover, but he knows it’s useless, knows from all the dreams that have come before that no one sees him except Ragnor, and nobody sees Ragnor except him. “Please, please darling, stop.”_

_“I’m sorry, Magnus.” Alec mumbles, turning the blade over and over and over in his hands, he’s an absolute mess. “I’m sorry, so sorry.”_

_“Alexander, I forgive you. I forgive you, I promise. Please, just stop. I forgive you!” Magnus exclaims, desperately, crawling across the floor to sit in front of his lover. “I forgive you, just put the knife down. Please, please.”_

_“You know you can’t stop him, my boy.” A familiar voice says, as their presence forms beside him, Magnus nods, blinking away the tears in his eyes._

_“I have to try.” Magnus answers, choking on a sob. “I have to try, Ragnor.” He babbles, leaning into the other ghost for whatever comfort he can offer. “I have to. I love him.”_

_“And he loves you, more than his own life, but not more than his own duty.” Ragnor says, pulling Magnus up and away, but Magnus fights, tries to get back to Alec, but Ragnor has been a ghost longer, has more strength than he does._

_“No.” Magnus whispers, shaking his head, hands scrabbling against Ragnor’s chest. “No, no, he just… it was a mistake. It was a mistake, Ragnor.”_

_“I know.” Ragnor tells him, holding him tight as they hear sobbing behind them. Magnus screams for Alec, but Ragnor won’t let him go. “I know.” The next moment, there’s a hideous gurgling noise and Magnus screams, like he did the day he died._

_“Alec!” he yells, and Ragnor finally,_ finally, _lets him go, Magnus falls to his knees, scrambles across the floor to his lover, crying at the sight of the blood gushing from Alec’s throat. “Alec.” He sobs, pressing his hands to his lover, knowing it is already too late, knowing nothing he did would have ever helped. “Alec.”_

_“I’m sorry, Magnus.” Ragnor whispers, gripping Magnus’ shoulder. “He loved you, he was just a stupid boy who didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how terrible and wonderful magic could be. Didn’t know who to turn to when you couldn’t be the one to answer his questions, to guide his way in our world. Didn’t know what was possible, what wasn’t and when to ask our kind for help. I’m sorry.”_

_“It’s not your fault.” Magnus answers, shaking his head and sighing. “I was a fool, I should never have agreed to do the spell, it was stupid. I should have thought about the possibility of body switching. I love him.”_

_“I know, but you can’t stay with him. If he was going to join us here, he would have by now.”_

_“I know.”_

_“I’ll take you to Luna, she can send us on, we’ll go to the next adventure together.” Ragnor offers, Magnus glances down at the man he loves, the man he wanted to make a future with, now neither of them has a future._

_“Yeah, okay.” He says, nodding his head, but he doesn’t move, Ragnor has to drag him up to his feet._

_“You’ll meet again.” Ragnor promises, before they disappear in a burst of ghostly blue fire._

* * *

Magnus wakes up sobbing, his hands scrabbling for Alec and clinging on tight when they find him.

“Love?” Alec mumbles confused and more than a little sleepy. “Magnus?” Magnus doesn’t speak, just clings tight to him and sobs, eventually he cries himself to sleep. This time his dreams are full of happiness and the future he plans with Alec.

When he wakes in the morning, he nags Alec all day with wedding plans and Alec goes along with it, all the while complaining that his lover needs to re-find his chill.

* * *

  _Morning has finally come,_  
_All my worries are undone._  
_Wounded, but stronger than before_  
_Morning clears the sky once more._

 _Yesterday's pain and misery,_  
_I won't let it get a hold of me._  
_I'm one with my sorrow,_  
_We walk hand in hand._  
_But it's not who I am,_  
_No, it's not who I am._  
~Morning Song, Eivor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Ghost Ragnor is just hanging around to keep an eye on Magnus and Cat and the others in the real timeline, too.


End file.
